Day 10 One Voice now

My therapist has introduced the theory to me of the inner child.  I have to say that as long as I’ve heard of this I didn’t give it much credence.  After several sessions though a light began to glimmer and it started making sense.  Especially when she told me it’s not just one inner child, it’s a bus load of them.  “But you’re not unique in that Pher!”  Knowing me, that was key to say.  When a familiar feeling arises that resonates with one of my “children”, that voice is the one that leads the pack.  Rage for instance, can rally the troops and all in unison they’ll abdicate their place and the screaming eventually finds its way out of my mouth and out into the real world.  Results vary but mostly on the poor scale.  The melancholy child sets off an entirely different rumbling throughout the bus.  He broods and the whole gang starts dragging.  The chain reaction activates the depression child and then the droopy voice starts whining and you get the picture.

This is how it rolls and has rolled for many years.  No guidance, no discipline.  Just flight of fancy and mow them down with whatever voice is the loudest.  It’s what Chaos taught me as normal and so it has been.  Imagine though a bus (I like the bus analogy better than a room) full of unruly kids.  Hands gripping the seat in front of them like they’re ready to spring into flight.  Eyes fidgeting, jaws grinding, flopping back and forth between sitting and hopping.  A nervous titter flowing through and down the aisle.  Looking up at the mirror to see if the driver notices the sling shot you’re pulling out of your back pocket.  A smile like a sneer always present waiting impatiently to turn green and scream.  “Who said that?” frantically whipping your head around hoping to catch the last letter coming out of someone’s mouth.  The moonie kids sit silent looking up at god knows what.  God they’re weird.  The stoners always laughing at something sounding like a fire extinguisher extinguishing itself.  Precious few jocks on this bus, even they’re afraid of the demented masses that typically rule in here.  Some fucked up kids on this bus too.  You never know what the day is going to bring on the way to … shit, where are we going?  This one bozo stands up and turns around, looking dapper and serious.

“I declare now that I now take a stand for maximizing love and well-being for myself and others.  I declare this to all the children present.  Angry, Sad, Disillusioned, Mad, Abandoned, Alone, Stoned, Shy, Suffocating, Critically Wounded, Rage, Manic, Depressed, Lost, Unique and Afraid.  I now take the scepter of power out of love and well-being for us, me and you.  I declare the war is over.  Only peace will be negotiated.  No borders will be necessary as I love you all unconditionally.  Peace and good will now reigns.”

He looks solemnly over the entire bus, he looks everybody in the eye with something like mirth or joy.  The bus is quiet and all eyes are on the “leader”.  I realize only now that the bus is not moving.  The driver is watching the boy with intent, not serious and not malicious, just observing.  I take one long last look.  Fuck it, I shoot him in the forehead with my sling shot and start laughing, “Fuck you loser, you’re on the wrong bus!”  I check out my friends for the usual supporting snickering but they’re not even looking at me.  They’re pointing at the kid.  WTF?

“I declare now that I take a stand for maximizing love and well-being for myself and others.  I declare this to all the children present.  Angry, Sad, Disillusioned, Mad, Abandoned, Alone, Stoned, Shy, Suffocating, Critically Wounded, Rage, Manic, Depressed, Lost, Unique and Afraid.  I now take the scepter of power out of love and well-being for us, me and you.  I declare the war is over.  Only peace will be negotiated.  No borders will be necessary as I love you all unconditionally.  Peace and good will now reigns.”

He looks me straight in the eye.  The swelling over his eye is closing off his vision I can tell.  But he is smiling without guile and dabs his forehead with a Kleenex he got from nowhere.  I sit back down stunned.  I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel stupid.  Strangely I believe him.  My sling shot drops to the floor and I sit back and wait to hear more.

1.  I'm grateful that I realize that I have a great life.
2.  I'm grateful that my headache is down to a level 4 today.
3.  I'm grateful that I get up in the morning to go to a fantastic job.