I'm one of those unpopular people who believes it is my parents faults for all the shit that I've gone through as an adult. My mom, Chaos, and my dad, Kindly, did their best but they weren't raising hyenas, they were raising humans. However I am aware that it's my responsibility to find my way back to sanity with as little collateral damage as possible. I've always had that spark that kept saying it has to be better than this.
With that said, I'm doing fantastically well today. I'm only living in 3 different worlds at one time instead of dying in a desperate dozen. I can make my life so complicated by my sensitive reactive responses to alleged snubs, hurts, misunderstandings, furtive glances. My daily goal is to set my ADHD mind free of pounding distractions. Dial down the sensory impulses and move into more quiet emotive sanctuaries. As a result of my many hospitalizations and diagnosis's I've been on a med regimen to stabilize the more rebellious parts of my mind. This mandatory lifestyle of pill popping for sanity pulls at me. The denial runs deep for all parts of my sanity, insanity, sobriety and inebriation.
I've been in a recovery program for 30 years and have stayed clean and sober for the most part. Put together significant chunks of uninterrupted time but things under stress eventually break. The phrase, "No matter what" is admirable but I preferred my chances loaded and seeing another day than the options available with suicide. I've suffered losses of friends due to different interpretations of "No Matter What". With mental illness I had distanced myself from the "language of the heart" and felt so far apart from anyone in the rooms. I kept going to meetings despite my tenderness of heart and I let the distance metastasize into a fairly sick isolation. I digress.1. I'm grateful that I've managed to put a continuous year of days together sober.
2. I'm grateful that I have a healthy, emotional and physical, son, Ry.
3. I'm grateful that I'm learning to be gentle with myself.
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