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Day 45 Dad


Day 45 Dad

Thirteen years ago today my dad died in my arms.  I slept in the room with him his last night.  About 3 in the morning when his breathing started getting ragged I crawled into bed with him and cradled him for his last 4 hours alive.  It was an intense intimate experience, hands on with death and the absolute powerless feeling that you are exposed to.  He didn’t have any words as he was knocked out by a little chemical the afternoon before.  He just didn’t regain consciousness and slept the rest of his life away.

We were in Bellingham, WA, on the third floor of the medical center in the death with dignity wing when it happened.  I remember looking out the window at the fresh snow that fell during the evening and I felt like I was the only person on the planet.  It looked and felt barren.  I was alone with my dad, more alone than I ever felt.  I laid on his chest and sobbed and hugged him and rubbed him so he would warm up.  I told him he was a good dad and that I missed the opportunity to have been able to ever really know him.  I cut a lock of his hair because I wanted desperately not to lose all of him that morning.

Thirteen years is a long time to be without your dad.  I never had grandparents so I’ve always felt adrift in that wisdom seeking area.  I do miss him still and wish I had gotten to know him as an adult.  I left home pretty young and after that it was basically just visits here and there.  Nothing consistent.  Never any phone calls to say hey.  Nothing like that.  It was the quintessential father/son relationship of the 60’s.  I’m your dad and that should be enough.  Compared to the warhorse, it was.  It could have been so much more but neither of us were equipped with any knowledge of how to proceed.  So we stayed related, awkwardly but found some kind of familial love to snake through all the preordained crap.  He was a good man, loyal, patriotic, a soldier for our country that served in Viet Nam.  I know that he loved me even though he never said it clearly.  Isn’t that enough?
1.  I'm grateful for the life I got to share with my dad.
2.  I'm grateful my relationship with my son is so different that mine.
3.  I'm grateful that I'm going to therapy.

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