I haven’t written in a few day because I’ve physically
been in chronic pain. I have an issue
with headaches and they are kicking my ass.
I’ve done most cursory exams and they’re not migraines, sinus, or
cluster headaches. I’ve had an MRI,
CTScan, Lumbar puncture and blood work done.
Up next is an MRA (a picture of the blood vessels in my brain), a CTScan
of my neck, an EEG and a memory test. I’ve
had this headache since June and it goes up and down the scale of pain. When it stays around a 3 or 4 I can manage
but when it starts to escalate, all bets are off. Last night I didn’t get a wink of sleep. My new doctor started me on a new med and I
wonder if that is a side effect. No
sleep. I can’t think of a worse side
effect than that.
I like the idea of this blog, writing out the buzz I
hear from the wiring in my brain. Some of
it has been dark, uncomfortable but it is really good. I want to be a good person, er, I am a good
person but I have had doubts over the years.
I’m working on a lot of personal bedevilments that have predisposed me
to think less of my efforts and this writing has helped quite a bit. It’s an action that is the result of the
thoughts, the teachings, the therapy that I have practiced to get my shit
together. I’m blessed with bipolar
disorder and that diagnosis has had a hand in a lot of suspense, theatre, drama
and the like. It’s like trying to paint
a house with a water paint brush. The
color is nice but it takes a LOT of strokes to get it all done. I’m grateful for it most of the time as it is
a daily, daily reminder of the work I have to do just to get to normal. There are moments that the effort is so
tedious that I seriously question the overall worth. Sometimes I think I’m the only one that is
doing this stuff. I don’t know the
tedium that my fellow humans are going through.
It’s hard for me to break through my shell because of its delicate
framework and see the struggles going on around me. I go to a bipolar support group every week and
we share a slice of ourselves to each other in a safe, caring environment. So I do see it there and I do see such
progress and hope in that circle of chairs.
Here’s a paragraph I found from one of my earlier
stories, “In the secret place of my many imaginary deaths, I’ve always
envisioned stars, lots of stars. Tonight was a night of those
stars. Steely blue, antiseptically bright, painfully burning the corneas
in my eyes. Circling my vision, randomly shooting in different
directions, sparkling profusely and quietly dazzling my momentary stupor.
Laying on my back I convulsed and tried desperately to choke and coax a small
breath of air into my lungs. The shirt and flesh of my chest was torn
apart by the barbed wire strung just a bit higher than the fence that I had
focused on. The sling shot that was my body slamming to the ground
knocked the night right out of me. My fingers dug into the tarmac.
My only intent was the distant fascination that I was still alive. I
wanted to roar with oxygen, but I only whimpered and wheezed a minute stream of
dawning fear. Fear. Fear brought me here. Why? Gravity seized
my chest and I gasped, coughed and sputtered like an exploding flame.
Air! Oh sweet, holy air! Divine inspirations wracked my
chest. My feet slowly pounded the pavement one at a time in rhythm with
my ragged breaths. I could breathe. I could finally breathe. Then
the night clobbered me. Fear brought me here! “
1. I’m
grateful that I have such a cozy bed to just lay in and not move for 8 hours.
2. I’m
grateful that Betty, my cat, doesn’t mind my fidgeting when I can’t sleep. She just sleeps through all the motion.
3. I’m
grateful that I will write anyway when I don’t have anything to write. Thanks for reading!
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