My friend told me the other day that I live an examined
life. I’ve heard the phrase before, or
some form of it but I do live the life examined. It’s not for the faint of heart. I’ve heard that phrase before too. What does it mean to me? It started 30 years ago when I decided I had
enough of the boozin’ life and decided to give AA a try. But that was just the start. There is a potential in AA to really examine
your life and turn it around. But I got
hung up on the aspect of alcohol being the driving force behind all your
exhortation. Before the booze I was a
sick person. Sick with depression. Sick with the thought that life can’t be this
bad. At that tender age though, you have
no options. You’re stuck with the family
you got. Or the family you picked if you
believe in the cosmic “everything happens for a reason.” You pick your parents because you have
lessons you need to learn in this lifetime.
I’m not sure I’m fully on board with that line but I can see the sense
in it. If it wasn’t for all the whacked
stuff that has happened in my life, where would I be today? Would I be examining my life as I do? Would I have the insights that I do that
enable me to understand emotions that before were something to avoid? I mean everything that has transpired has
been an opportunity to learn. What if self-actualization
is the goal? Life is pain and life is
beauty in the same breath. You can’t
have one without the other.
How can you love someone else if you don’t understand what
love is in the first place? Like putting
yourself wholly in the other persons mind for the moments that they are talking
to you, really listening with no distractions.
Caring at that level because they are so important you don’t want to
miss any details. Their life no less
important or less interesting than yours.
I guess in a long term relationship (alien to me) you are part of their
life because you’ve been with them so long you are part of them. Right?
Is that what happens? I’ve been
running away from what love is for so long because I equate that level of
intimacy with pain upon discovery. I
afraid that you will find that shaking little boy that really is bad and want
nothing to do with me. It’s almost as
simple as that. I have chased that
feeling of love for so long and the full light of it has blinded me to the
simplicity and completeness of it. What
is the charge that surges through me when I discover I like someone? Could it just be a hormone firing and nothing
more? I’m pretty sure you have to have
some electricity, some cells exploding to discover someone that wants you to
move in their direction initially. But
what cells take over after that? I’ll
tell you, it’s the thinking cells. The
conditioned cells. The cells that haven’t
examined their purpose yet. The cells
that still remember to cower with love at its full fury and might explode over and envelop
you. The cells that have passed on the
memory of the initial nurturing that you lacked. I know I make a big deal over this and I’m sick
of it. I’ve so many rich experiences in small doses since that should prove
that good things do happen.
I’ve had 3 experiences in the past couple of weeks with
women that have socked me in the solar plexus as far as feelings go. As far as what cells can do, what changes can
transpire when the right moment presents itself and I pay attention. I’m definitely not the only one who has had a
rough life by any means. I’ve never felt
that but I just have never felt it consequentially down to the bottom rung. I’ve put myself in their consciousness
absolutely and felt what they were saying.
I turned off my self-absorption dial completely and HEARD them and it
made an impact on me. Now some of you
may do this all the time but this is not something I’m used to doing. I always feel like I’m on a stage and I have
to perform and it’s a one way delivery.
Sure I listen but I’m not sure how much of myself is open to every word
that is being said. My mind is busy
thinking of other things, what I’m going to say next, what is for lunch
tomorrow etc. My mind IS always busy
though and it’s a job to settle it down.
But I did for these women and I had full attention going on. My angels felt it was important for me to
hear and they stopped the gears from spinning and I paid attention. It added to my examined life and has given me
serious pause to thoughts of survival, life, joy, experience, ego and that
place where all angels meet. As with everything that happens to me, my life is
forever changed. We are changing every
minute if nothing else we don’t get the minutes back when we read something like
this and that is change. I want to have
changes that mark my life electric, that fill it with sparks that I can weld a
new future with. I want to live my life
examined if it continues to bring surprises, growth and a new Chris.
1.
I’m grateful that I learned to listen if only
for a few moments.
2.
I’m grateful that these women opened up to me in
their way.
3.
I’m grateful that I chose to live my life that
way I do.
This is good stuff, Chris.
ReplyDeleteThanks Zella, I value all my comments!~
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