Day 90 Relationship Dues

Okay I’m unskillful in my hyper active emotional requests.  They come off more as a bull in the china shop syndrome than poppies fluttering in an early morning breeze.  But it’s my desire to live my life as honestly as I can with self-integrity.  It’s not a natural process that I can pull this off with grace but I’m pulling it off for the right reason regardless.  I’m talking primarily of course about my relationship with women.  My relationships with men wallow in the mire also but that touches a different part of me intrinsically.  The last 5 women I’ve had feelings for have sent me to places that are all over the planet.  One was a long term (over 2 years) and the others just a moments breath, fog on the mirror and then done.  And not all have been relationships rather feelings that goose stepped through my emotional parade with crushing pervasive personal truths.  Revealing patterns that I come back too ultimately and repeatedly to no avail.  Patterns that I realize are happening when happening but thinking it will be different this time.  Has anyone ever thought that?  Do you find patterns in your life that you follow inherently and suffer consequences again and again?  Why do you do that?  Why do I do that?  Is it purely happenstance that follows us surreptitiously?  Maybe we’re familiar with the repetitiousness and find comfort filling in the blanks that were left lacking for so many times before.  If I do it like this or think that it’s really this, it will be different this time.  Of course I’m referencing the hidden but blatant red flags that constantly follow me but somehow seem to only exist peripherally.  Where do those flags come from anyway?  Is it my deeper consciousness that sees into the future or has it played out these scenes so many times in so many former lives that gets triggered?

I’ve been on a new medicine regimen and it has been wreaking havoc on my sleep so the fatigue hasn’t been helping either.  I try to figure out what I’m doing in a haphazard way but also progressively forwarding my intentions as honestly as I can.  I want to discuss the feelings involved but I’m not sure how they’re being presented.  And of course I have no idea how they’re being taken as I don’t have access to the minds involved.  I don’t know if we’re as good as our word when the word spins and twirls around in your brain in convolutions, twists, interpretations, bias, tiredness, mood etc.  How focused we are when words are being said or heard.  What level of attention is at stake and what is actually present.  And just because we share a history doesn’t necessarily mean we will share a future.  That’s where I get fuzzy too many times.  I allow myself to get hurt over slights, misunderstandings, things said wrong or out of context and it knocks me for a loop.  I’m behind the eight ball and dodgy to a hazy degree in the immediate future interactions.  Of course I’m accountable but the little wounds that I’ve picked up along the way suppress my full cooperation in that area.  I want to be fully present but doubts start nagging me and I may say something more along the lines of what you want to hear instead of exactly how I feel.  I’m not saying these two thoughts or interactions are that far off but a one degree maladjustment over time can really skew the adventure.  When I realize that it is thoughts that are fucking up the environment and I have the awareness to just change them I jump right on that bandwagon.  Here’s where the skill or lack of skills come in.  My diplomatic skills are a bit undeveloped and I need help for that.  And when I jump to another truthful thought, it may be as wrong as the former.  I guess my truth changes because I have so many reference points.  I can be accused of thinking too much.

I’m just trying to put words on what is going on in my life right now and all the time it seems.  I reviewed with my therapist the other day on the distance I’ve covered in the past year since I’ve been seeing her.  I can tell you that we have come a long way.  I’m doing things in such a healthy way, more than I’ve ever done before.  It’s just the way I do it that I feel I need so much more work.  I’m not taking away any of the joy, elation, wonder, fun, darkness, funk, grooving, sadness or happiness that I’ve experienced along the way in this time period.  I want to learn how to better sit with my pain, my horror when I discover that I still have a long way to go.  I really feel there isn’t much that I have gone through that I haven’t gone through something similar or worse and have gotten through that.  It’s the level of my awareness that is tender and infantile.  I come from such a heavy background of serious self-doubt that it is still all so new.  So I’m playing hard to get right now because somewhere inside of me I know I deserve the best.  I deserve your attention, your commitment, your intimate friendship, your trust, and your best too.  Things rarely happen on my time schedule so I’ll just step back and let the process unfold.  I’m sure my angels have it all under control.

1.       I’m grateful for the insights my writing has provided for me.

2.       I’m grateful that I’m writing all of this for myself.

3.       I’m grateful for the relationships that seem to be working in my life right now.