I went to visit Bob yesterday. Denny sent me a text and said either go see him or read his obit. I took his advice. I drove to West Sac to their house (Bob and Kathy) that I’ve never been to before. I realized on the way over that I’ve never driven over the I Street Bridge before. Details were starting to pop up in my brain on the way over. Denny said to prepare myself as he is not the man I’ve known. I’m all right with that I think. I found the house and knocked and then just opened the door as Kathy was walking to the front door.
“Hi Chris Shirley! It’s so good that you came over. Bob really loved you a lot!” her smile hiding the pressure of staying awake with the strain of caring for someone so long. I went upstairs to the master bedroom and there I found Bob. He was in the sleeping state. Eyes partially open, mouth open and breathing that death breathing that I’ll never forget from the time my dad died. Deep breaths, not real deep but deep enough for 20 or 30 seconds, then a break for 10 seconds with no movement and then the cycle repeats itself. Kathy told me that he can still hear and would recognize my voice. “Chris is here Bob.”
I immediately started stroking your head and said a light hello and told you that it was good to see you. It was sincere. I wanted to see your smile that you so frequently gave up before with little provocation. But you were motivated only to breathe. You were in the death with dignity mode where your comfort is the only concern now. Kathy injected with you the timely Dilaudid injections. A main dose every four hours and a maintenance dose every two hours. Any less attention then irritability, confusion and pain will flood your poor beat up body. There is no part of this that is easy or can be easy for anybody involved. There, or not there, alive or dead, imagined or very real this is the end of Bob’s journey on this planet. His participation, your trip has touched thousands in so many ways. I was not filled with any conscious thoughts that I could put words on and strangely felt that that was okay. I recorded my history earlier in here with you Bob and I hope it was not taken with any negative histrionics. I’m sure I will have many thoughts, feelings, fragments that will take time to unfold and ultimately find a permanent home on this memory of mine. I’m not trying to write a history or some dramatic history of a death or a life that has to written but I have to write something. It’s important, you're my friend, it’s one of those moments too important for me that I don’t want to recall because the actual moving parts of my sorely deficient organ of everything is not working properly. I do know that though and that it’s in need of motivation of gears that bustle with this and that and knowing that it is temperamental. I want to it give you my attention and you deserve the best that I can deliver. It is important and my desire is to deliver a message without any motive other than the best that I can convey. Help me my friends because I want it out of my head, I want it safely and sweetly authentic. It’s just a layout that Bob can put out so much better than I can deliver. I'm very tired but I want to get it out before the day is over. This is sounding confusing enough already. However, it was a very peaceful moment that I shared with Bob and Kathy with Kathy's two sisters. You are in your hospital bed laid next to the master bed. "I can sleep next to Bob so I can be close and help out so much better!" Kathy was at peace saying that. A blessed mix to the uncomfortable miasma of the big picture. Just having you Bob so close to her was such a relief to Kathy both emotionally and spiritually.
We were on the front line and doing the best we could trying to conceptualize a picture of normalcy. It will be the last time I see you Bob on this side of the big picture and we did it. I wish I could have heard you talk but we couldn't have everything! You seemed comfortable and a few times it did seem like you were trying to say something. Kathy said she knows that you can understand what is being said but that your ability to talk would have been a miracle at this point. The grace of angels was being pushed to the limit at this point. I realize how much I will miss you after this visit. This was not visiting a sick friend. I was saying good bye to you in our mortal world. I realized that after today there would be no more "todays." Ahh Bob, thanks for all of your selfless help. How you reached out with your hand and after today, no more. You gave it your best shot, you and Kathy but it was not to be any longer. You reached the end of your mortal coil. Good bye Bob, good bye bear, good bye sponsor. I laid my head on your face and I hope you heard me whisper my thanks for the opportunity to see you as the friend your were to me.
Addendum: I was up very late writing this and it shows in some of the sentences. I can barely make sense of them myself. I was editing them at 2 to 2:30AM this Sunday morning. What's significant about that is that Bob died at 2AM Sunday morning. RIP Bob.
Addendum: I was up very late writing this and it shows in some of the sentences. I can barely make sense of them myself. I was editing them at 2 to 2:30AM this Sunday morning. What's significant about that is that Bob died at 2AM Sunday morning. RIP Bob.
1. I'm grateful that I worked the steps with you and shared with you the you the things I did as a sick alcoholic.
2. I'm grateful for your generous help with my writing.
3. I'm grateful for the mistakes we made between each other as I got to heal from the intense heat that it caused me to suffer.
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