Day 114 The 2nd Interview

This is a story about a 2nd interview I had with a great company. It was scary interviewing for a job at 56! It’s just scary interviewing for any job but after so many years on my current job (11 +) I didn’t anticipate this being part of my reality. I really liked where I was, but IBM had peculiar ways of casting off contractors which was my title at the time…yuck. But a second interview!

Yeah! Pull out my interview flash cards; what are my strong points (creative, relentless when I need to learn something), weak points (too creative, waaaay too relentless), good questions to ask (what qualities do I have to shine at to merit all the good guy medals, what’s the management style, are IT coffee breaks still an hour long?). Okay, got that. Suit back from the dry cleaner, black pressed suit. Okay, maybe, just maybe, they won’t see the little moth holes I just discovered on the back of the pants legs…ohhh drat….

White shirt freshly pressed, conservative tie (no, not the Jerry Garcia tie Chris, not that turtles aren’t adorable painted in neon, psychedelic colors). The Interview Shoes out of their protective box, still 100% shiny, not a scuff or dull mark visible. Nice! Brand new black socks (NO, not the knee high old man papa socks! that’s just cwazy). The belt, yes, it too is the interview belt only worn for such occasions. Not a blemish on that either. Brand new tee that I purchased at Target (well, it’s not a CEO position).

Ok, Windsor knot for the tie, full not half. It’s a little squanchy but after squishing it, molding it, it actually starts to look good. My collar is a little crimped and I’m not happy about that but I learn to embrace the imperfections. Ha ha ha! I love when I pretend that I know Buddha stuff! I think that’s what they call it, Buddha stuff. Sleepy medimatation murmurs to relax the vortex…one with the universe….and those were the hearty, healthy thoughts as I got in my car to drive the 90 miles for my date with fate at 630AM. I knew I would be drinking coffee so I pulled a household sweatshirt over the dress shirt because I wanted to be prepared in every way. I didn’t want the morning coffee dappling my chest. Typically a badge of honor, but nicht so sehr on shimmering interview days.

I listened to my music and slipped into a zone. Had to be perky, alert, interested, empathetic, inquisitive to a degree, all the things I miss in my current job. Do I look too old? Will I ask the right questions? Will I talk to much? More importantly will I say something so off the hook (has happened before) that I’ll be escorted out (metaphorically)? Will I use too many parens (bracket used to enclose parenthetical material in text)? Thankfully the bulk of the journey was mindless grooving to the variety of tunes blaring out of my speakers. The subconscious mantra was to relax, reeeellllaaaaxxxxx. My first victory of the morning was I didn’t get lost! That is a daily reality as I just don’t process navigation grids in my brain at all. I have a vague notion of compass points but not the finer details such as immediate lefts or rights! So I took that as positive junk (as in a “WOW, look what I found!” junk treasure foundation).

In the parking lot and the eensey weensey paranoia starts setting in. “They have cameras in the lot so act NORMAL!” It’s starting; the worms are turning, spinning, writhing; just trying to find something to stick to. No, I will not succumb to the underworld! Just get out of the car, try to fix that collar again, put on your coat, check the flash cards one more time and know that your guardian angels (Treater and Axe) are going to be with you. I will not be alone!

“Hi Chris, welcome to our headquarters! Thank you for making the drive out! Here’s our server room, blades, batteries, power supplies….really? That’s great Chris, let me jot that down. You’ll be coming here for a couple of weeks for training, is that okay? You did all that? Fantastic. Well it’s been a delight meeting you. I’m talking to one more candidate. You’ll know by the end of the week our decision. Once again a pleasure, thank you, thank you, you’re the best interviewee I’ve ever had the delight of meeting! A real shining Olympian of perfect applicant answers, better than any of the other common detritus that crawls through here!”  My Olympian thought process elevating the answers that I thought I heard.

Wow! Double wow! That was the best interview I’ve ever had! I didn’t want to jinx anything but I felt like I nailed it! I floated down to the first floor lobby and on the way out a quick stop in the men’s room and then on to my personal ticker tape parade back to Sacramento! I looked at myself in the mirror and flashed a congratulatory smile and then made an amazing discovery. The window on my laptop was open, wide open! X,Y,Z! I was so focused on my professional buffing that I completely whiffed the most critical junktion! The glorified air that moments before was tickling the emotional ozone layer was now gushing out with quackling humiliation. I’m sure there is a term in psychological circles for this particular sensitive exposure. (OZRT – Open Zipper Realization Trauma, WOUE-Wide Open Undies Exposure or the dreaded ZMT – Zipper Management Disorder – “Momentary stupefication due to Jock & Awe public disclosure. Treatment to include hot dog vendor jokes or clandestine medial teething alignment with lightning speed fury followed swiftly by complete denial of any dongulation”)

Doors slamming, windows closing, open minds snapping shut. The terror in those first few seconds deadened my excited heart, blew the blood out of my brain and I found myself frozen, hand on self with nary a drop of sense oozing out of my thought canal. My zipper, my fly, my briefs defender, open, untouched that day by my frenzied fastidiousness. Holy holy of all moley craptitudes.

“Really?” I pride myself on my usual sharp wit and marginally insane sense of humor but I couldn’t fathom the cosmic degree of this nether land humor at all. “Judas H Priest”, guttered painfully over my lips, my dad’s favorite color statement. “You couldn’t give me the ride home at least” I pleaded upwards in closed eyes and clenched fists. This just wasn’t detailed in the interview books as I’m sure that it is a given that the zipper rides high tantamount to all other dress code rules!

I continued to stare blankly into the mirror until I finally broke down into a grasping chuckle, I had no other choice. “I guess in some way, you’re keeping it real with me! Not always an outside job? Not a knob job either damn it!” I rode home with the damn zipper down and celebrated my victory in that thin space that the universe allows us to blossom and shine despite despite just despite it all!
 

1.  I'm grateful that I did find a job despite hanging out.
2.  I'm grateful that I find humor in the zany.
3.   I'm grateful that I can find humor in most situations.