Day 120 Daily Stream

I’m really at a standstill with my writing.   I want to be a Buddhist dude with the mentality of the now.  I promise I won’t talk with a Quaalude voice though when I see you.  I want the effort of any will to be only aware of the present and not dogged by the angst of the past or the anxiety of the future. 

I am being coached by my sponsor to write a brief, brief history of my life.  No, no I’m not going to put it in a blog!  But if I did, what would I call it?  “It’s A Meteor!  The short bright light of Pherstory.”  “Awakening In Hell, A Tale Of Nurtured Angst.”  “Chris, The Middle One.”  “Hypersensitized, A Story Of A Middle Child.”  “Born In The 50’s, Raised By A Wolf And A Sheep.”  Born a decade too soon and raised a century too late.  Controlled by external forces too powerful to contain in the brain of a child.  “Swept Away By The Rocking, The Wiggling, The Activity, the motion of a boy to insecure to call home home.”  “Why Don’t You Love Me?” And of course the favorite, “Why Was I Born Anyway?”

Would it be a drama, dramedy, tragedy or just pure comic unbelievability?  It has all of it.  Primarily being a child of a military officer has to be the underlying source of most of the pain.  New kid at least once every other year, sometimes twice a year.  Now this is my past, it’s not interfering with my daily reality as it once did.  Mother from Mars, literally.  No human compassion found unless it was for herself in unrelenting truck loads.  Big brother from 1984, do it my way or no way at all and then I’ll kick your ass just for fun.  It has loads of excitement, thrills, throw-backs, terror, angst, tears, laughter.  You’ll howl at some of the scenes in terror or laughter.

When I find the time I’ll write my future and it will be delightful.  A tale of maturity grounded in an uncanny knowledge of joy and tranquility.  Peace between siblings that no one saw coming.  A strength of character unseen by critics and psych professionals just a mere 5 years ago!  Not a meteor but a comet that comes back stronger each time it orbits the planet.  No longer bound by the search of the ever elusive “long term” relationship, he has found peace in the daily grind of being a single man.  And a peace it is.  Sitting with disappointment and pain, no longer running away from it.  He’s shown great growth in living life as life it is. 

With a background in losing friendships, due to indifference, death and suicides, he has continued to excel in promoting emotional health.  “Outside help has made all the difference in the world!” he answers to his audience.  “It started with a counselor back in the 90’s and I’ve towed that line ever since.”  With a 30 year background in Alcoholics Anonymous, Chris has maintained a belief, sometimes hair line thin, that it could all get better.  That he deserved the good life, unfettered by past demons and a litter of broken hearted relationships.  No doubt and no surprise that the journey was fractured and tortured by slips of sobriety and seismic shifts in psychiatric health.  He did not give in, he did not give up.  He just kept coming back which is a popular saying in the rooms of AA.  It was his strength that he kept well hidden that culminated in the strength that he is displaying today.  And it is day by day.  Keep the moment that counts in the present.

1.       I’m grateful for my health, emotionally, psychologically and physically.

2.       I’m grateful that I did my parenting when I did.

3.       I’m grateful for my most excellent sponsor.