Day 128 Bus Stop

Ry came over last night and I related to him my current world of woe.  Or rather the woe that is creeping around in my world. I’m woe-K, just some unsettled events that are speed bumps currently.  He gave me good advice, solid advocacy and kind support.  Thank you Ry.

What I told him was the current status of my relationships with women.  None.  And it is okay mind you but I had embers burning and now it is all just swept up ash.  My latest attraction hit a snag and I was a bit blindsided with jealousy and hurt and not sure how to react.  I wanted to “sit with the pain” as that is a new standard that I’m adhering to but I realized I wasn’t sure how to do that.  My first reaction was to not react and I did just that.  I reacted of course in my mind but not to “her”.  I called my sponsor and told him my feelings and asked questions about how to revel in rejection, how to celebrate my non-reactiveness, how do I sit with the pain.  He said I was already doing that by calling him and not calling “her.”  Okay so first things first.

The second thing is that I do feel okay about the end result even though I have doubts about my decision to cut off contact.  I was hurt and knew in my heart that I wouldn’t have done the same thing to “her” but I also feel that I’m playing tit for tat. 

I’ve been meditating daily for a while and quieting my mind during the day so I have some peace up there.  I’ve learned I have a bus load of kids ranging in ages from small to almost grown up in my head and they all have voices concerning about the things that I do or think I need to do.  What I’ve been practicing is assigning one to be manager, foster father so to speak, one voice to unify all the voices.  I can’t ignore anything that I hear as they are all me on and at different levels and they speak to those levels.  So they’re all right but not necessarily appropriate for the situations that they start piping up about.  I think I still have a small mix of voices that I’m paying attention to.  I honor that in my self today.  I’m not just black and white, I am complicated just as any other human being is.

Ry suggested that I could have asked more questions like why did “he” come over.  I thought not.   Once the “circle of relationship” was broken then we’re not a “we”, or a “we are slowly trying” anymore.  We are 2 independent people and what she does at that point is none of my business.  Yeah sure I want to know as I truly didn’t get it but it truly is none of my business.  In any way anymore.  That does sound black and white but it’s the best that I can do right now.  I’m trying to find that place where I deserve somebody great in my life, that the red flags are just a hint of pink and not necessarily holding up in hurricane force winds.  Is it too much to ask for?  How much compromise is too compromising?  I quit thinking about why I don’t have long term relationships anymore, I’m just wondering if I can have a short term relationship.

Well can we still be friends, Ry asks?  I don’t know, I don’t think in the terms of calling and saying hey, what’s going on type friendship right now.  It is still raw and it stinks.  Overall, it’s just another case of humanity going on in a small corner of the world.  Nothing too big but also not so small that a lot of attention gets misplaced over it.  I got my opportunity to sit with pain and it’s a learning process no matter how many times something like this happens.  I’m trying to massage my mind with a feather, respect the processes that are percolating over this, staying non-judgmental with my decisions and just wanting to jettison Peter Pan from my life.  Okay angels?  

1.  I'm grateful that I salvaged most of my mind from my destruction teens and twenties.

2.  I'm grateful that I have a beautiful son that I adore and love so much.

3.  I'm grateful that I am on a path of beauty and softness.