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Day 146 A Little Hiccup

Last night was interesting.   I was in therapy, yes, therapy and I just lost it. What triggered it was a simple statement from somebody chairing a meeting the other day.  He said he grew up in a normal home with loving parents and was given everything that he needed as a child and teenager.   Geez. I can’t relate to that at all.  I can’t put my finger on it, I can’t wrap my mind around that, I can’t understand what that could possibly mean.  I don’t have any relevance to that kind of life at all.  None, nada, dope.  I had the childhood of a wolf living in the back of the cave.  It’s not like missing Chem 1A and going oops, I have to retake that class to get credit, no, it’s missing a whole lifetime of youth.  Right, you only live once, you’re only young once, you don’t get that back.  I don’t want my youth back, hell no, but his statement really bugged me and I’m trying to figure out why.

One thing is my knee jerk reaction is that he’s fibbing.  It wasn’t ALL that good.  How could it be?  There’s always a clash when hormones start surging.  Even so, it wouldn’t have amounted to a life time of insecurities, merciless shame from such a short period of growth.  I guess you can fight your parents and still love them.  Once again, an example of something I’ll never know.  Or have the capacity to understand.  My parents were my nemesis like the Penguin and Batman but without the respect.  No, we didn’t fight fair because I lost every fight before it started.  I was never right and how dare I challenge the rules.

When I say my parents I’m mostly talking about the warhorse, my mom.  My dad was either not there physically or not there emotionally.  I’m also not whining as I know the time is past and there is nothing to be done other than look forward  to today and make the most of it as it rolls by.  I get that.  I’m human though and once in a while a trigger gets past my guard and takes me down, one punch to the chin down.  I realize that the work I’ve done to overcome such a shitty beginning is work.  And it’s work and it’s daily and it’s nonstop.  There are no mandated breaks because my mind will pursue the path least travelled and I can find myself in a fit in zero time.  That’s the rub, the nonstop work.  I get tired of trying to hit normal every day.  For years as an alcoholic I thought it was just normal to be a loser and live a life of shame and guilt and zero compassion for the mistakes I made daily.  I would pine for relationships just so I could focus on someone else for a bit instead of just me.  I don’t know if that is narcissism, maybe some twisted form because I didn’t think of myself solely because I was some kind of super star.

I know what else is bugging me, Facebook and all of its swarmy Happy Mother’s Day crap. I can appreciate that there is a lot of love out there between kids and parents but I’m not one of them.  I would like to put my feelings out there on what Mother’s Day means to me.  Thanks to all the moms that didn’t destroy childhoods so I can have some normal friends.  God, thank you.  Thank you mom for making sure my destiny is to always live a life examined.  To always stay alert to waning feelings so they don’t drown in depression by sinking too far. To never having a day to myself where some wandering notion doesn’t come down the pike saying kill yourself, your life is shit.  Thanks for the genetic wiring that has convinced the psychiatric world that I’m bipolar with no hope for a cure but just lifelong treatment with a hospital visit always beckoning.  Yeah thanks for that too.

I almost got into a conversation with my wonderful therapist (god bless her) about unconditional love. Am I able to harness that angelic quality for anybody that comes into my life?  I think I have it for my son, Ry as I would always love him no matter his situation.  I may get mad at him but I would love him anyway.  I think I learned with my parents that to fight was to hate.  There was never a resolution, just ammo for the next fight. 

But what about for me?  Will I ever have someone feel that way for me?  Yeah, why not me?  I’ve been through 2 marriages and the splits didn’t help with my confidence that I was truly in line for that handout.  I really felt lost, bereft, cataclysmically left out of the human condition during the time of reconstruction.  After the 2nd marriage broke up it was soon after that I found myself in a mental hospital on a 72 lock down.   Everything mental broke that morning.  There seemed to surely not be a fix this time.  It took years of denying my mental instability, my years of getting by superficially with anyone/everyone, years of playing human before I finally got caught.  That was my payoff.  5150 and on meds for life.  All this because of a mix up as a child.  I just wanted to be loved.  Was that too much to ask for as a 6 month old infant? The wonder I experienced as a child was surviving another day when I went to bed at night to rock myself violently to sleep.

1.       I’m grateful that I don’t rock myself to sleep at night.  I just don’t sleep.
2.       I’m grateful for the gift of meditation today.
3.       I’m grateful that I don’t know my future or how much longer I have to put up with this life.

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