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Day 190 My Romantic Robot


I saw my good friend David C. yesterday at a restaurant.  Well actually it was Café Bernardo on Capital Avenue to be specific.  We usually would meet there on Wednesday’s anyway as a precursor to going to the Balanced Depression and Bipolar Support group.  First, it was great to see Dave.  He really lights me up on the inside and I have grown to appreciate the glow of friendship that we share.  I don’t think he’d give me a kidney but hey, you never know.  I would give him mine.  There I said it so now it’s official.  But there’s no need for us to talk about organs when there’s so much to say about friendship in itself.  He’s a father of 3 adult women and he survived that process with grace and dignity!  He has a beautiful wife.  In the past they both  used to work together for their income, the same job, the same site.  I asked him, “don’t you get tired of each other being together all day and then together at night?”  You know I thought it was a valid question.  His answer was lightning quick, “No, I like her and I love her, of course not!”  That was so sweet to hear.  An added element to a working long term relationship.  I just got to get me one of those and I want it to be just like that! 

I told him yesterday I have a woman in my target site and it just sounded so corny.  I told him it would be a slow process.  Within two months I’ll have made room for her to move in, her dowry claimed, rename her kids, divvy up the property after the bitter pre-divorce settlement.  Ha ha ha!  I wouldn’t know a slow process if it literally bit me on the ring finger of my left hand. 

This is what I know.  I’ve seen her in my meetings (not the bipolar ones) and she is very pretty.  When she speaks I know she’s intelligent, funny and articulate.  There’s only so much you can pick up on in a meeting.  But I’m attracted to her.  Isn’t that enough?  I’ve only talked to her once or twice and it was some humorous affectation that is completely my typical style.  Throw out some humor bait and reel ‘em in.  NOT.  But one day, I decided that I like her enough to come out of my single shell and test the water.  See if she is attached to anybody, see if she would be interested in a courtship so to speak.  What is courting today anyway?  Texting and Facebook posts?  Oh god no.  Alas, that’s the tool I used so far.  Facebook.  I mean what will Facebook be like 20 years from now?  Will it still have all the pictures that people post with abandon today?  Anyway I sent a friend request and she accepted!  I realized we only had one friend in common which is uncommon for the AA friend circuit.  I felt honored that she selected me.  In as much honor as can be bestowed on a Facebook acceptance.  Most of the time you take Facebook with a huge grain of salt but sometimes, sometimes, you want it to be a mountain of salt.  You know what I mean?  The running dialogue in my mind is she rarely accepts friend requests so I’m in.  Not only that but she “liked” a picture of me that I posted.  My soul smiling teenage picture.  That’s what reeled me in.  She sees me.  It sounds so corny but it’s the best that I can do.

I don’t know if it’s the best that I can do, I’m just working within the parameters that I have at my disposal.  Really what’s important is friendship first.  If I can find a way to be friends with her, sort of the friendship that I described earlier with Dave, then that can be enough too.  My life isn’t some exotic, parachuting, train riding wine taster traveling the world.  I always think my finances hurt my chances with women because I’m not flush with cash.  I’ve learned to live lean and have enjoyed the success within that cocoon.   I know I’m riddled with insecurities naturally but that one is the one that I feel is like a neon sign.  Stay away, no trips to Europe with this guy.  Maybe Santa Barbara, but that’s a nice place.  All my vacations in the past 15 years have only been to the east coast to hang out with my cousins or sister.  And that’s fine!  I love it.  But will my girlfriend love it?  I mean I can sacrifice one trip to go somewhere else but I have to have my cousin trips.  See I’m already making excuses and I haven’t even talked to her.  This is a good glimpse of my mind.  Is this normal?  This is one reason why I feel so comfortable right now being single.  It’s those added multiple dimensions that I torment myself with.

So its 11:40 now and I’m going to go to the Thursday Noon Cathedral Meeting.  If she’s there then I’ll know, IN MY MIND that she wants to see me.  The game is on and it seems as if my mind is going to go through all kinds of hoops, dances, mystic fantastic whoops before this goes any further.

Meeting over and she wasn’t there.  Ah poo.  But the break in this narrative gave me pause to think about how I think.  C’mon Chris, lighten up.  Just relax and let whatever happens, happen.  I’m learning to pause and letting things be.  I would like a romantic interlude with this woman and I’d also like to have an afternoon of not having obsessive thoughts.  No matter what happens it will be a win win situation.   So I’ll keep my dream of making a new friend and then let what happens will happen.  I’m no genie and can’t predict the future but I can predict my present.  Stay aloof, stay afloat, stay Chris.

1.       I’m grateful for my daily meditations.

2.       I’m grateful that I’m doing well in my job.

3.       I’m grateful that I have 18 months of sobriety this month.  I got a chip at the birthday meeting today!

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