Day 192 "Then I Met Nicole"

“Last Request.”  This is a song sung by my favorite band, Paolo Nutini.  You know how there are songs in your life that you played over and over during certain periods of your life?  Well this song qualifies as a top contender on that list.

“Slow Down, Lie Down
Remember it’s just you and me.”

There were times in my life when I wanted to be in love.  The confusion that reigned was whether I wanted to be in love with the woman I was with, the woman I dreamed I could be with or just to be in love with love itself.  The perimeter of my mental vision was imbued with an ethereal fuzzy view and my mind simply let go into that state.  It was more of a fugue than anything.  During this particular relationship, this song circulated in and out of the many endings and beginnings and spectacular displays of emotional upheavals.  The whole thing started in the eye of a hurricane and was constantly a challenge to stay connected physically, emotionally and finally mentally.  But, hey, it was love, right?  Doesn’t that require unconditional commitment no matter what insanity threatens to blow the doors out?  Common sense be damned!  I’m having this affair to prove that I can have love in my life or whatever the fuck is masquerading as love.

“Don’t sell out, bow out,
Remember how this used to be.
I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby, let’s get closer tonight.”

It started as a glance of her at work, one glance.  God she was gorgeous.  I was married and knew that my action was limited to window viewing and that’s all it was.  But it was the living room window, the biggest window in the building if you get what I mean.  I lodged that feeling in the back of my mind and moved on.  Trouble was brewing at home though, it had been for quite some time.  I was in the process of trying to convince my wife for both of us to talk to a third party counselor so we could learn to talk to each other again.  That was a battle for acquiescence on her part.  Another battle in a long line of recent battles.  I finally got my way but I had to scout her (thee counselor) out first to see how she was.  Bad move in hind sight.  I talked to her for an hour explaining whatever shit I had to spew and her response was that she thought I was ADHD!  Ha ha!  There’s no such thing I laughed.  She didn’t laugh in retort.  She was serious and offered me a test.  I test that I passed with flying colors.  Great, now I have something new to add to the marriage.  But fast forward.  I’m not willing to drop back into the fiery pit of that zaniness.  Just know that it got way worse, I was constantly badgered for being a loser.  Not exact words but enough dancing around those 5 letters to know the picture.  Punching bag at home but not at work, I had a friend who really appreciated the precious few moments of time we could steal together.

“Grant my last request
And just let me hold you.
Don’t shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept we’re going nowhere,
But one last time let’s go there,
Lay down beside me.”

Her name was Nicole.  She should have been named Tornado, Tsunami, Duststorm, Earthquake.  Are you getting where I’m coming from?  She was breaking up with her boyfriend who was 15 years her senior.  Problem was she was trying to break up for 1 ½ years.  What?  Whatever.  I didn’t care.  She was paying attention to me and it was sweet attention.  First time I felt wanted by a woman in a long time.  Okay yeah I said wanted.  And okay I was 20 years her senior.  She was saying all kinds of wonderful stuff.  I ate it up like a young Texas kid outside a Popsicle truck in a hot Waco summer.  Lapping it up with no other thoughts.  Fuck my wife’s bullshit.  I was living in 2 worlds.  Not the prime guy world and I wasn’t very proud of my actions.  But that was the least of my problems.  ADHD was also the least of my problems.  Chronic depression reared its head again as it had on and off all of my life.  I was driving to and fro from work counting down to see how long I could shut my eyes on the freeway.  The dance of suicide had slid its snake skin scales back into my head again.  I hated myself, the living flame of insecurity, less thanitude, doubt and fear became my true lover. Again.

“Oh I’ve found, that I’m bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realize all about your lies
But I’m no wiser than the fool that I was before”

To be continued…