Day 193 Paolo Nicolo

Last Request - Last Request

What you have to understand before I go any further is that the distance between me leaving my wife and being with Nicole cannot be measured in light years.  A lot of mental damage took place.  I could not weigh the merit of my worth as a husband, a man, a lover, a provider, nothing.  I lost the race, I lost my mind to the casual benevolence of a cruel presence.  Me/child/tender boy/sensitive Chris.  L.O.S.T. every bit of my mind.  I could not work among normal workers.  I cried myself to sleep, on the way to work, during work, after work.  The self-absorption of how wrong could I have been was so total, no cell unturned that did not share in the pain of the parting.  Nicole though was an angel in this total darkness.  She didn’t judge me but acted like I was the best man on the planet.  Now this is 10 years distance since this happened and I still have a hard time transcribing this.  In retrospect I discovered that she never broke up with her boyfriend.  It wasn’t a thought that I had that thought otherwise.  Her lies started early and they were well grounded.

“I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby, let’s get closer tonight.

[Chorus]
Oh, baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how can this be wrong?

Yeah, lay down beside me.
One last time let’s go there,
Lay down beside me.”

She was adamant that we could not have sex until my divorce papers were signed and, yup, I complied with that request.  The day came, the papers were signed and we went right up to her house in a fucked up town called Grizzly Flats.  Fucked up because the drive is so twisty and unbelievably long.  We got in bed early afternoon and tossed our clothes onto the floor and made sweet love.  It was bubbly and exciting.  We had waited for so long for this moment and it was hard to believe that the waiting was over and we were satisfying each other in a way that we had danced around for so tantalizingly long.  It was here, the moment we confirm our love.  Love.  What in the fuck did I know about love.  It was just about pussy in the end I guess.

Nicole had a wee drinking problem and almost killed herself in a self-inflicted car accident prior to this.  It didn’t stop her drinking.  What stopped her drinking was an event 6 weeks into our “relationship”.  We had 5 fights in that brief period.  I was getting turned off with each fight and still reeling from the loss of Nan (my wife) and I was getting bored and tired.  I actually started flirting with another woman.  Hey, once a cheater always a cheater huh?  Just saying that for the sake of the story.  In fact I had sex with this woman the day Nicole called me and told me she was ready to be in a relationship with me.   She must have convinced her ex, Henry that she was going out of town for several months or something.  So after the last fight, on the phone, I told her that I was done.  The relationship was over.  At this point in my life ending a relationship seemed like second nature.

Nicole fought the break up.  She wanted us to go to counseling, wanted a second chance.  But I was not budging.  I wanted peace, I didn’t want to be in another relationship where I had to fight just to stay in.  I wanted that other woman now because I was sure that the grass was greener.  My thinking was so corrupted, so broken.  I had no business being with anybody.  The damage wasn’t finished repainting my entire brain.  But, yes there’s a but, I regressed.  I stayed away from her for months and she called me one day and said I should come by to visit (we worked at the same place), that she wouldn’t bite.  I bit and took the walk.  And then I bit off way more that I could have ever chewed.  I wanted her back.  Even though there was a picture of her and Henry hanging in her cube, I still wanted her back.

“Slow down, lie down,
Remember it’s just you and me.
Don’t sell out, bow out,
Remember how it used to be.
I just want you closer,
Is that alright?
Baby, let’s get closer tonight.”

And the banjo’s began playing.  What little control I had over my brain tendrils at that time let loose.  The ship completely left the mooring and I went underground and spent the next 2 years in the darkness of all darkness’s.  It was a mental journey of epic proportions.  I agonized over every minute she would come into my mind, what was she doing, why wasn’t she with me.  Even my 12 year old self was shaking his head over how much I lost it.

“Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don’t shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.
Sure I can accept that we’re going nowhere,
But one last time let’s go there,
Lay down beside me.”

I started a history of 5150’s and was out of work for many months recovering in various mental institutions.  Inpatient and outpatient.  It didn’t matter, they were pouring drugs into my mouth to treat my brain.  I was giving medication to treat the side effects of the original medication they were giving me.  It got so toxic that I submitted myself to Electric Convulsive Therapy or ECT.  Or shock treatments.  They jolted my Jetson.  They zodded my wallop.  I took it to that level of incomprehension. Once you’re in the “system” you are very lucky and rare to escape the monthly visit to the head shrinkers.  You’re labeled and therefore treated like a sick puppy and if you peep, they just adjust your meds.  I forgot about Nicole sort of.  At least I forgot about my obsession of wanting to be with her.  I mean by now she had one kid, was married and had another kid on the way.  What was I thinking?  Or rather what wasn’t I thinking.  I really wasn’t thinking about much as I was now on zombie patrol.  I felt like the lead zombie too.

“Oh I’ve found, that I’m bound
To wander down that one way road.
And I realize all about your lies
But I’m no wiser than the fool that I was before.

I just want you closer,
Is that alright?

Baby, let’s get closer tonight.

Oh baby, baby, baby,
Tell me how this could be wrong?

Yeah, lay down beside me.

One last time let’s go there,
Lay down beside me.