Day 195 Off With Their Heads!

I am so restless today.  I know it’s the same for everybody once in a while.  Coming into work every day, every day, there has to be days that you just want to stop and scream.  Or take a nap.  Or something other than the brain numbing experience of daily toil.  Please make it stop.  Maybe those Mayan priests got tired of chopping heads off of people every day too.  The same old thing everyday, lop, lop, lop, toss, toss, toss.  Then meaninglessness of it all.  Do you think they had cocoa breaks. 

“Hey Chimmje, come on now, have a bit of cocao, give your arm a rest!”  Ha ha ha, they would laugh, laugh, laugh between choppings.

“It seems as if I chopped off a thousand heads, it’s all the same, they still keep coming through, and I lop off another one, no different from the other one! The repetition is killing me!”

I know how they feel.  Every day I come in and am presented with the same issues, maybe a different angle, but, still, all the same shit every day.  I’m not saying retirement is the answer but at least I could take a nap when the feeling came over me.  Not here though.  I look through the job lists but I know that eventually, even though the geography has changed, the job will not.  It’s depressing today to think about that.  I got enough stuff on my mind that I don’t want to add job shit to it.

I went to therapy last night, my favorite night of the week, work week that is.  We had a good discussion about the women in my life.  And forgiveness.  I’ve had four significant women that I need to forgive in order for me to move on.  My 2 wives, my oldest sister and then enemy number 1, the true demon seed, my mom.  I don’t walk around with open wounds over these women but when I start to get involved with other women there are issues that come up and I start tripping over them and slowly realize it is related to an issue that I never truly forgave in my past.  3 of them are basically dead to me as far as contact goes, but the mother of my child I still have a relationship with.  It’s completely platonic and shallow but I do have conversations occasionally when our moments collide.  It’s hard not to when your child is involved.  But it’s not a big deal, there is just residue that gets heated up when the atoms start to vibrate.  I could metaphorically chop off all of their heads and mount them on my mantel and then as I process my stuff offer them forgiveness over and over until I’m sure it’s all out of my system.

I forgive you mom for the psychological, emotional and physical beatings that you gave me constantly as a child.  I know you were mentally sick when you were raising us and were doing the best that you could with what your poor sick mind allowed you to have as a working model.  Still, cutting off your head would have been preferable.  I forgive you Virginia for rejecting me as your brother simply because I was the progeny of our mother.  I know you were psychologically unable to process meeting and relating to me because the biological link messed with your peace of mind.   I know it’s nothing I did other than being born by the warhorse and that simple act, non-willingly on my part prevented us from having an adult relationship.  I forgive you for the mental sickness that must have pervaded your entire brain from thinking that was a valid reason for rejecting me, your brother from your life.  Regardless of the abandonment I felt fully from realizing that, was debilitating, I forgive you.  You may keep your head, you still have years left to ruminate and heal from that sickness.

I forgive you Andrea for your decision that you realized you were truly gay and not heterosexual even though you married and had a child with me.  I know that you were psychologically wasted realizing that truth about yourself and it took a lot of courage and determination to step into the role that your biology demanded.  I realize that it wasn’t personal but it hurt none the less.  It hurt a lot.  It wasn’t pain from the fact that you realized you were a lesbian, it was just the total pain of losing the woman I truly loved.  The pain of the powerlessness just as in the previous two women.  There was nothing I could do in the face of that adversity.  I could do no more than sit and watch my life turn into crap and knowing I couldn’t lift a finger against any of it.  I would have preferred my head being cut off at that point.  I was just tired, tired of living and fighting the non-fightable fights.  But I fought on.

I forgive you Nan. We were turned on our heads years before we married yet you acted as if we were on a track of companionship.  I planned the proposal for months and made sure it was the most romantic proposal ever.  And wasn’t it?  We were in a house within 100 yards of the Pacific, there were deer in the meadow that we could see out the window.  You thought I was giving you slippers for your birthday and I pulled out a ring instead.  It was brilliant, it was sweet, it was tragically wrong.  I forgive you for you turning into my mom and blaming me for everything that was wrong in your life.  I forgive you for your alleged relationship with Pepper.  I’m realizing we’re all human and we all make mistakes as a result of our relationship to the planet and just plain consciousness.  We are messy and at times we makes completes messes of everybody’s life that we are touching.  So I forgive you for your humanness.

I only have to forgive myself for holding onto resentments that are not necessary.  I have to forgive myself for expecting perfection where I had none.  I have to forgive myself for judging myself for the mistakes I made.  I too am human and I’m programmed to fuck up.  The point is that I realize that I want to make myself better.  I’m not the bad boy that my mother made me out to be and it always finds its way back to that Point Zero destination.  I have grown up, I have made a life for myself that I was not destined to accomplish.  You see I keep on fighting, I keep on believing that it has to be better, that it will be better and I’m destined to live a life of deep happiness and joy.  It is my lot to destroy the preordained destiny that was laid on me as a child, teenager, young adult.  I have for the most part done just that.  I have my moments when I’m like a deer caught in the headlights and feel like collapsing into a heap of quivering flesh.  I can’t ever give up, I can’t ever stop believing in myself.  I will keep my head on my shoulders and use it for more than just an ornament rolling down a pyramid.