Day 202 The Dating Game

I had an interesting hour with my therapist.  I was spun out by my head exhausting all possibilities between a and b without knowing any facts.  I was guessing but I based it on old history.  Of course it has to do with a woman I went out on a date with.  It was a great date, we had dinner, frozen yogurt, we held hands and we even kissed ever so lightly on the lips as our night ended.  There was no problem with the date, it was after the date that my trouble began.  I wanted to see her again.  Of course I did.  But it was the when that was driving my anxiety.  I felt I had to have more control over the when.  She has kids so there are automatic certain days that are out and then there are vacations coming up for the both of us so that leaves a very thin window of opportunity.  In fact there is a Wednesday coming up that would be ideal but it’s a work night for her so it would be a short night if it were to be a night at all.  But hold up Chris, what’s the real deal?  What is the anxiety over seeing her about?  You are single and you have developed a liking for living that style of life.  Why all of a sudden do you need to “see” a woman? And why does it drive you so?

My therapist was getting into my personality vs. my soul attributes and I felt like I was getting lost.  She was “telling” me a lot of stuff and I told her I felt like I was being scolded.  I know for a fact that that is the last thing that she would do but it felt that same none the less.  The pluses and the minuses don’t add up anyway so what’s the fuss about?  She has kids, she’s 18 years younger.  But for once I didn’t think about her age being an issue.  I just like her and am attracted to her.  Do I have to start being critical of such age differences from now on?  Like becoming 60 is a cancer and you have to have cancer to enter the room of happiness to be with me?  I know, sour grapes, huh?  It doesn’t add up really but I just have to not care right now.  We all live in the present, right?  Of all the things I’m learning in Buddhism it’s the now that is the most prevalent thing I’m learning.  So if we’re 18 years apart?  It doesn’t mean we can’t try to have fun together does it?  What if it only last for 6 months but a good 6 months?  We deny that possibility because right off the bat I’m too old or she’s too young?  I don’t buy it.  I can no more say that dating a woman my age will end up in marriage using the same argument.

She has kids, school age kids.  Well that’s a problem.  I’ve kind of done my time with kids.  Both as a parent and as a step parent.  Although I’m not for that kind of action I’m also flexible.  It’s a fact of life.  Some people have kids, some don’t.  I don’t want to judge my relationships on the lack of children.  And it doesn’t matter how old the kids are, well maybe if they’re under 10, but kids are kids no matter what age they are.  The parents are always going to hold back, cancel plans etc. because of their kids.  I would do it in a heartbeat if Ry called me and needed help with something.  I’m not suggesting that I willing to run for step dad of the year contest, I would be as neutral as I possibly can.  I can’t resist an audience if someone will laugh at my corny attempts of humor so be ready for that.  But once again I’m in for the chance of fun and maybe a little romance.  Who am I to dictate where I will find that kind of dance?  If I cut out a certain demographic then shame on me when I complain that I’m single and tired of being single.  They’re boys and I’ve done both so I have a little experience.  I’m not expected to raise anyone here so the argument is moot.

I have to work for 7 more years before I can retire, maybe then I’ll be more weary of kids but once again I can’t predict the future.  I’m learning to live in the now.  There is a lot less pain in this style of living.  When I bring up my past in comparison I bring on the pain.  When I think of what’s happening in the present I feel a nice thing is blossoming and I like it.  I don’t want to tarnish it with history, future tripping, insecurities etc.  I just want to learn how to have fun in the now.  I just want to enjoy what I discover behind a laugh, a wink, a smile, the touch of hands holding each other.  Discover how the other person thinks, her history, our commonalities, our fears in reference to our strengths today.  Discovering the delicacy on her sense of humor, how far can I go before I get into the Shirley zone and freak ‘em out.  I went pretty far and she was still laughing.  Pure enjoyment there.  The discovery of any person while dating is such a joy that nothing as drole as age, kids, or whatever should hold you back.  If you like someone, follow your heart, stay in the present, live like your life depended on the present because it does people.