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Day 229 Vacation


Hi.  I have just come back from a week and a half vacation.  Whew is it hard coming back to work.  I went back East, no surprise and spent time with my cousins.  Specifically Halina and her beau, David.  And their 3 teenagers and 4 dogs.  4 dogs.  Two of them are the yappy Chihuahuas that true to their nature, yapped whenever I got within walking distance from them.  God I wanted to step on them.  Other than that it was sweet.  Went down to North Carolina to the Outer Banks and spent time in the sun.  And in the water which was a balmy 75% degrees.  But it was just sweet to get comfortable with my family. 

I had thoughts of the big picture, a cousin hanging out with a cousin well into our 50’s.  Well I have a lot of thoughts about doing a lot of things well into my 50’s lately.  I don’t think it’s a bad thing and they all seem to like me when we get together.  You know that expression about staying longer than 3 days it gets kind of old.  I hope they don’t think that when I go out there.  They rent a house in the Outer Banks and I stay with them the whole week and then drive back with them.  I feel like part of the family I get so comfortable with all of them.  The kids like me and I’m easy on them, I’m the adult they can come too and really let loose with how they feel.

We stayed with David’s parents twice, on the way down and on the way back.  They prepared a Thanksgiving dinner for the trip back.  How nice is that?  My own room, dinner, they live on the York River and the sunsets are magnificent!  It was such a good trip.

I read a couple of Buddha books while I was out.  Good stuff.  I got to meditate every day without distraction.  I stayed clean and sober.  Yes I did.  There were a few moments when I felt out of my economic class when more than one family member was present.  They all make way more than I do and I was letting it get to me.  We all make our choices of how we approach life and some of my early ones were pretty unskilled resulting in the income I make today.  I’m not broke I just don’t have the luxury of being able to rent one of those houses myself.  I felt a burning inside of me, I don’t know if it was embarrassment or the loser mentality that I used to get so frequently when I was younger.   It passed as I regurgitated on it.  It does prompt me to examine my financial life and see where I can improve my standing.  It’s a weird thing to be bothered about but I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t bring it up and the only downer I suffered while I was there.  Well it wasn’t the only downer but it was a big downer.

The other downer was when they would get together with friends or family for dinners etc and drinks would be poured and wine bottles opened.  I don’t drink because of the fool I am when I do so that was another marker that tried to pull me down.  Once again, choices that were made when I was younger.  It’s been so long that I drank socially you wouldn’t think I would care but sometimes the connection gets fired up and I feel a part from and eventually just wander off and find someplace out to hang out.  Luckily it wasn’t something I had to deal with all the time but it was almost just enough.  I don’t know what it is, this fascination with hanging out with my family.  I like it one day and then question it the next day.  My cousin Peter brought his kids (5 and 3) over for Matt to babysit and I realized, hey, they’re family too!  It was just weird.  In a good way weird.

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