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Day 257 My Meditation


What has meditation done for me?  Well the main thing is it has calmed me down.  I don’t live by drama alone anymore.  I find that I can observe events going on in my life before reacting and choose how I’m going to respond.  I find the quiet time quite invigorating.  I wish I could remember time as in how long I’ve been doing it but I can say that it has been at least a year since I’ve started doing it every day.  It hasn’t help me keep up with my blogging though.  But I care about my practice and I want to learn more about it each day.  I am going to a Zen Buddhist meditation group every Sunday and I hang out with the Sangha and listen as I can.  I do a 40 minute sit with the group and really enjoy the time.  When I tried to meditate before I could only do about 2 or 3 minutes and give up fairly easily.  Not so now.  At home I do 25 minutes and feel good about that.  Someday I will shoot for an hour just to see how long I can sit.   Then I will learn about sitting with discomfort and learn to embrace that pain.

That’s something that I’m learning also is how to sit with pain and not avoid it.  But it is something to say, don’t avoid the pain, sit with it, embrace it and then to actually do it.  How?  What is required to sit with the pain?  I have tried with all different sorts of pain lately.  Rejection, ear ache etc.  I acknowledge it and then try to feel it with my entire mind.  What sort of feelings do I have?  Where does it hurt and what is the pain like?  Can I live with it?  Yes.  It will pass as most of the pain in my previous life has passed.  It’s just a matter of time and now I can choose how I want to spend that time.  Either suffering or inviting it to take its best shot.  It doesn’t get to the point where I’m going to pass out so I’m good there.  It’s interesting to try and of course I don’t think I’m doing it right.  But I try and I guess that’s the key.  I’m not avoiding avoiding the pain.

What the meditation has done has been to put a tamper on my past.  It is my past and there’s no need to struggle with it anymore.  I find that I don’t want to dredge anything up anymore because it’s not that important.  I’m learning to live in the present and wallowing in the past is an exercise best left to the past.  I find it is challenging enough to live in the present without the burden of living in the past taking up so much precious time.  And I’m struggling with a lot of weight gain so that is occupying the straggling thoughts that still like to wander away from the present.  I’m getting fat, yarghhh!  So that is what the pain is that I’m learning to live with today.  What am I doing about it, what can I do, what will I do?  I’m still in the throes of denial but I can feel that tenuous grip slowly slipping away and I will get proactive.  I’m getting older and I find that that is a challenge.  I’m drifting away from the topic.  I want to meditate!

I want to meditate.  I look forward to the time that I make every day to sit.  Before there wasn’t enough time, TV, music, reading, hanging out etc. I just couldn’t find the time.  Now there is always a 25 minute span that I can crawl into and set my mind to quiet.  It’s funny how those things work out.   I like it and I like the idea of identifying as a Buddhist.  I’m still a squirt but my heart is in the right place and I’m learning at the pace that I’m supposed to learn it.  I don’t feel that I have to rush in and learn all there is to learn in 2 or 3 months.  Just the pace that is the designed for me to be ultimate.  And it’s good.  I don’t feel like I’m lacking or that I’m not doing it right.  For once I feel comfortable about the condition of my life, in most areas and it’s good!

1.  I'm grateful that I've found mediation and that I have stuck with it.
2.  I'm grateful for my sister, she is so cool.
3.  I'm grateful for my therapist, she has taught me so much about myself.

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