What has meditation done for me? Well the main thing is it has calmed me
down. I don’t live by drama alone
anymore. I find that I can observe
events going on in my life before reacting and choose how I’m going to
respond. I find the quiet time quite invigorating. I wish I could remember time as in how long I’ve
been doing it but I can say that it has been at least a year since I’ve started
doing it every day. It hasn’t help me
keep up with my blogging though. But I care
about my practice and I want to learn more about it each day. I am going to a Zen Buddhist meditation group
every Sunday and I hang out with the Sangha and listen as I can. I do a 40 minute sit with the group and
really enjoy the time. When I tried to
meditate before I could only do about 2 or 3 minutes and give up fairly easily. Not so now.
At home I do 25 minutes and feel good about that. Someday I will shoot for an hour just to see
how long I can sit. Then I will learn about sitting with discomfort
and learn to embrace that pain.
That’s something that I’m learning also is how to sit with
pain and not avoid it. But it is
something to say, don’t avoid the pain, sit with it, embrace it and then to
actually do it. How? What is required to sit with the pain? I have tried with all different sorts of pain
lately. Rejection, ear ache etc. I acknowledge it and then try to feel it with
my entire mind. What sort of feelings do
I have? Where does it hurt and what is
the pain like? Can I live with it? Yes.
It will pass as most of the pain in my previous life has passed. It’s just a matter of time and now I can
choose how I want to spend that time.
Either suffering or inviting it to take its best shot. It doesn’t get to the point where I’m going
to pass out so I’m good there. It’s
interesting to try and of course I don’t think I’m doing it right. But I try and I guess that’s the key. I’m not avoiding avoiding the pain.
What the meditation has done has been to put a tamper on my
past. It is my past and there’s no need
to struggle with it anymore. I find that
I don’t want to dredge anything up anymore because it’s not that important. I’m learning to live in the present and
wallowing in the past is an exercise best left to the past. I find it is challenging enough to live in
the present without the burden of living in the past taking up so much precious
time. And I’m struggling with a lot of
weight gain so that is occupying the straggling thoughts that still like to
wander away from the present. I’m
getting fat, yarghhh! So that is what
the pain is that I’m learning to live with today. What am I doing about it, what can I do, what
will I do? I’m still in the throes of
denial but I can feel that tenuous grip slowly slipping away and I will get
proactive. I’m getting older and I find
that that is a challenge. I’m drifting away
from the topic. I want to meditate!
I want to meditate. I
look forward to the time that I make every day to sit. Before there wasn’t enough time, TV, music,
reading, hanging out etc. I just couldn’t find the time. Now there is always a 25 minute span that I
can crawl into and set my mind to quiet.
It’s funny how those things work out.
I like it and I like the idea of identifying as a Buddhist. I’m still a squirt but my heart is in the
right place and I’m learning at the pace that I’m supposed to learn it. I don’t feel that I have to rush in and learn
all there is to learn in 2 or 3 months.
Just the pace that is the designed for me to be ultimate. And it’s good. I don’t feel like I’m lacking or that I’m not
doing it right. For once I feel
comfortable about the condition of my life, in most areas and it’s good!
1. I'm grateful that I've found mediation and that I have stuck with it.
2. I'm grateful for my sister, she is so cool.
3. I'm grateful for my therapist, she has taught me so much about myself.
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