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Day 265 Meds and Meditation


I’m going off of my meds.  I have my psychiatrists blessing and we both realize it is an experiment.  As long as I’m honest with myself with where I’m at on the “Normal” scale all should be well.  I’ve been meditating every day for almost a year now and I think it’s time to put the meds to rest and see what a brain full of mediation is all about.  It’s not one of the promises that mediation will bring to you.  I know that.  I think I’ve found something to it though.  My demeanor is a lot calmer and I have brought down any anxiety several notches.   It’s a good thing.  Plus I want to know what it’s like to meditate with a clean brain.  Can I handle that?  Or is my brain conditioned to be on meds all the time?  I know that the day I’m off my meds it will still be a process to truly be off meds.  It might take another 6 months or a year to be fully med free.  But I will stick with it and see what plays out. 

I’ve dreamed of this day many times.  I just thought it would be impossible once you get “in the system”.  Bipolar for life, meds for life.  I’ve gone off of them before but I didn’t do it with my psychiatrist’s knowledge and it wasn’t strictly a med free regimen.  I was still getting loaded a lot and that would just bring on the storm clouds.  Now I’m clean, feel clean and want to stay clean.  That’s a good ticket to ride with.  2003 is probably the last year that I existed without any meds on board.  And I didn’t have any idea of the ride my brain was going to go on at that time.  The depression, the mania, the suicide attempts, the getting loaded.  Whew, it was stringent and tough.  It’s not something that I haven’t learned from.  Hell I’ve had ECT so you would think based on that alone I should be depression free from here on out.  But only time will tell.  I’ve gained a lot of coping skills, living skills, being alone skills and seem to be doing fine.  I really don’t have any illusions about what kind of guy I am and can keep pretty sober within that realm.  I don’t see myself wanting to kill myself over a woman any time soon.  I think I’ve left that fellow behind in the fairy dust.  I’ve grown out of the getting loaded phase too.  I didn’t think I could get over that but I have put some time between getting loaded and let the meditation sediment settle over my brain and I just don’t have the energy or the desire to get loaded any time soon either.

So the secret is out, meditation is the key.  I’m reading a book about Vipassana Meditation right now and it’s a good reality check of where I am with mine.  It says I should be sitting around an hour now.  An hour?  I thought 25 minutes was doing good.  Thankfully there is no one handing out report cards on style.  For my busy mind, 25 minutes is good.  On Sunday nights, I sit for 40 minutes with the Sangha  and that is a good sit for me.  I like sitting with the Sangha as it feels more like home.  I like associating with those people.  Anyone can come, it’s not just a certain cross section of the population, like alcoholics or bipolars.  It’s for anybody.  It’s a well written book but I find certain contradictions as I’m reading.  He’ll say one thing in the beginning of the book but say a totally different thing in the later part of the book.  So I know it’s written by a human and we all do the best that we can to get through this thing.  So I know sitting for 25 minutes is just okay.  I will shoot for 30 minutes soon.  How’s that?

1.   I'm grateful to be alive and kicking and sane.
2.   I'm grateful to have a job and a good job at that.
3.   I'm grateful that I bought a new car the other day, yay!

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