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Day 360 Just Chatting


I watched TV all weekend.  I watched the entire Season 2 of Marvel, Agents of Shield.  Great imaginative story line with lots of sub plots and twists.  I liked it.  However not so much the time I spent on the couch to enjoy such pleasure.   Sunday I didn’t even get out of my pajamas.  It was that brilliant of a day.  Let’s see, I didn’t try to kill myself, I didn’t self-sabotage  any relationships, I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t  get loaded so in essence it was a good day.  It takes imagination to find the good in everything I tell ya. 

I just watched a preview for a Hank Williams movie coming up soon.  “Hey Good Lookin’,  What Ya Got Cookin”.  That song was playing in the background during the intro to the preview.  I must see this movie.  My mom took me to see “Your Cheatin’ Heart” back in 1964 when I was but a wee child of 8.  My memory tells me that Hank Williams was found dead in the back of his car from alcoholism  in the movie.  It made a huge impact on me as a child.  I couldn’t comprehend how he died when he wasn’t shot, stabbed, blown up or ill with any known disease.  It is one of those rare memories that have always stayed with me.  My mom also took me to see Rosemary’s Baby 4 years later and that had quite an impact on me also. But I remember Hank being so lucky and talented and why oh why would he drink himself to death.  He was so young too, how could he let that happen to himself?   How powerful could alcohol be?  I would find out much later in life a glimpse of that power. 

I feel like I’m killing myself in my own way when I deal with depression.  I had a therapy session last night and we both talked about suicide in our lives.  My friend Jane blew her head off two years ago and my counselor’s cousin and mom both committed suicide.   There are no questions good enough to convey an answer as to why and how to find peace with that act.  It’s a startling incomprehensible blow to your psyche, your emotional balance, your spiritual balance, they all pale in significance when the news reaches you.  “Why” is your mantra for days, week’s sometime months.  Slowly you settle into acceptance but it is built on a foundation of sand and certain queues can trigger the machine back in full force.  I’m a member of the club that has tried suicide and it had a profound effect on my life following that act.  I crossed a line of such deep depression that one more minute was too much to bear.  It resonates always in your head afterwards like birds flying south.  When difficulties mount, pressure escalates, voices start yelling in your head, that little chirping starts to peep.  You can just stop all of it right now.  It doesn’t have the power that it did when it evolved as a solid solution but it pops up like a normal thought.  Once unleashed it doesn’t go back to its cage nicely.

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