Day 361 It's Just Days Now

My friend told me I shouldn’t date a woman from the “program” as they are just too damaged.   I countered that opinion with my second wife who was “normal” but crazier than bat shit in the end.  She had her own agenda and it wasn’t about making peace or being compassionate.  I think women from the program are as damaged as any woman or man but the one thing that separates them from outside women is that they are trying to heal.  Whatever way or path that they choose is still driven by a choice of wanting to get healthy.  And on a good day they realize that they are broken and they pick up their pieces and try to mold them into a way of life guided by some sense of sanity.  I’ve known normal women that don’t even see how they’re wrong with anything.  There is no fighting them as you’ve lost before you say the first word.  My mom was a perfect example of this theory. I’m afraid of women right now.  I think about them more often than not.  What would it be like to be in a relationship?  Will I ever be in a relationship?  Am I putting too much emphasis on being single?  Christ I don’t think I can even handle a date right now?  It’s sounds pathetic but it’s pretty much a constant stream of torture that runs through my tired mind.

I was watching TV last night (no surprise) and found myself really caring for the characters on the show.  Like they were real and I could affect their lives.  Whew, that’s some serious TV jones I got going on.  They’re perfect for my relationships.  I can care for them and secretly know that they’ll be okay and yet I don’t have to pick up after them or cook them dinner every night.  No laundry involved.  No fights over the tooth paste tube not being rolled up right.  If I’m angry I don’t have to get into some long talk about my feelings with them.  Just sit and stew and they’ll never ask me to dig deeper.  “What’s really going on Chris?”  No, none of that on their time frame.  I know I sound like a dunderhead here, I’m just in denial about the volume of TV that I do watch.  I actually did go out Friday and Saturday night and mix with real people.  When I go out though, I always have in the back/front of my mind, “Is this the night I meet her?”  I just want to go out and have fun and see my friends.  Nothing more, but those or that thought is always zig zagging around in my head.

I guess I am lonely for that companionship of that precious closeness.   That good friend that is fun to touch, kiss, wrap my arms around and lightly kiss her neck hummingly so.  Going out to do things suddenly have a lot of interest, anticipation, joy attached to them.  Not out hunting but just being.  Being together and genuinely hoping that she is having as much fun as I am.  Hearing her laugh at some tired old pun that I’ve said before but she appreciates my levity and persistence to make her giggle.  Moments our hands are holding and nothing has to be spoken.  Just a soft explosion of two entirely different people, species sharing a bond beyond comprehension.  And all if it compressed in just a moment, no longer than any other moment but potentially etched into a long history joining all the other moments previous. No I don’t think about it much.  That’s why I watch TV right now, I just don’t want to think about it.  I’m going through a season of minor changes, one note out of tune and timing is poor for outside movement.

I can’t forget I am diagnosed with bipolar disorder along with other DSM IV psychiatrist opinions and am prone to moods.  Along with all the drastic med changes I’ve been putting myself through recently I don’t know how much of an impact it is having on the conscious part of my personality.  Like being suicide bombed but maintaining a smile all the while.  It’s tough competition to be “normal” and go to work every day and act within human standards.   It’s hard not to compare my existence with all the normal people out there and wonder why I got the short end of the stick.  This is what happens when the merry go round of depression starts to wiggle its way into my life.  I fight it and like being on constant guard I do get fatigued.  Many fears are born of fatigue.   Recently I have struggles trying to sleep through the night and that doesn’t help with my campaign for good mental health.  I have to make changes and getting physical is one of them.  I had a recent melt down Class 4 event at work and the whole time it was percolating I knew what I was doing and didn’t like a bit of it.  But I still went through the motions as if compelled to play it all out.  I meditated over it, wrote about it, talked to my therapist and sponsor about it.  I still acted out and played it out.  I told my boss that I hated coming to work because of this “person” and I I I I got sick of hearing myself.  I actually turned it over.  Whatever that means or where it gets turned to, I affected a mental change.  It was an experience that I went through before in my 30’s and almost died behind it then.  I just got to the moment where it was more important to stop than it was to go on.  I turned on a dime and there is no debris that I have to tiptoe through now as a result.   I can’t take back what I said but my actions are positive, kindness and tolerance at an acceptable social level.  That gives me hope.  If I can do that at work, than there is nothing I can’t do in any other arena.