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I Am Dardanelle So I decide I’m going to go for a hike but I don’t want to drive. What to do?  Well my strength is imagination, pursuing thoughts, strong holding onto old memories, er, you get the picture.  So let’s take a virtual walk.  Summon all my daily thoughts and tell them to take the day off, I’m going on a hike!  This is my hike.  It is on my planet and is free for all to enjoy.  I speed through the uneventful drive but secretly delight in the destination ahead.  I always get lost so part of the adventure is finding the right spot to park.  I have to unclutter my mind and focus on the feeling that tells me the right place to stop.  I stop and get out and look at where I am.  The road is planted in the middle of an immense garden of pines, cedars, elms, big rocks, pine needles and clouds.   My path today is traipsing through this garden with no thought of later. I skip across the street and instantly I’m straining my way over a well chiseled trail.  Nothing is smooth as
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Recent posts

It's all Fucked up

Yesterday I ate a bowlful of triggers and broke down completely in my therapist’s office.   Sure some of it has to do with turning 60 but there were older more ancient forces at work.   I’m lazy, I’m a loser, I’m lonely, and I’m financially fragile.   I, I, I.   I am having a hard time seeing the good in my life and there is good.   I have my own home, I have a healthy son and a pretty good relationship with him.   My health is not bad, I wish I had straighter teeth. So I don’t know what was the champion of the I hate me club that brought me down so strategically.   I got a birthday card from a former girlfriend inviting me out to a dinner and I think that was what started it.   I realized that all the work that I’ve done in therapy and with my AA sponsor was all interrelated with the failings that transpired during that relationship.   The more I realized it, the greater power they started to have again in my brain.   I’m still super sensitive in temperament and I do suffer from e
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Day 361 It's Just Days Now

My friend told me I shouldn’t date a woman from the “program” as they are just too damaged.    I countered that opinion with my second wife who was “normal” but crazier than bat shit in the end.   She had her own agenda and it wasn’t about making peace or being compassionate.   I think women from the program are as damaged as any woman or man but the one thing that separates them from outside women is that they are trying to heal.   Whatever way or path that they choose is still driven by a choice of wanting to get healthy.   And on a good day they realize that they are broken and they pick up their pieces and try to mold them into a way of life guided by some sense of sanity.   I’ve known normal women that don’t even see how they’re wrong with anything.   There is no fighting them as you’ve lost before you say the first word.   My mom was a perfect example of this theory. I’m afraid of women right now.   I think about them more often than not.   What would it be like to be in a re
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Day 360 Just Chatting

I watched TV all weekend.   I watched the entire Season 2 of Marvel, Agents of Shield.   Great imaginative story line with lots of sub plots and twists.   I liked it.   However not so much the time I spent on the couch to enjoy such pleasure.    Sunday I didn’t even get out of my pajamas.   It was that brilliant of a day.   Let’s see, I didn’t try to kill myself, I didn’t self-sabotage   any relationships, I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t   get loaded so in essence it was a good day.   It takes imagination to find the good in everything I tell ya.   I just watched a preview for a Hank Williams movie coming up soon.   “Hey Good Lookin’,   What Ya Got Cookin”.   That song was playing in the background during the intro to the preview.   I must see this movie.   My mom took me to see “Your Cheatin’ Heart” back in 1964 when I was but a wee child of 8.   My memory tells me that Hank Williams was found dead in the back of his car from alcoholism   in the movie.   It made a huge impact on m
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Day 319 Busting Depression

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childhood I endured.   But I’m an adult now and have painfully and slowly learned
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Day 319 Busting Depression

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childhood I endured.   But I’m an adult now and have painfully and slowly learned
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Day 327 Battling Depression

Not much longer now.   33 days until I go over to the 60 side of life.   Today I’m sick so my outlook is a bit jaded.   So many people around me are retiring from work and here I sit, older than half of them but still coming to work every day.   It’s not a total drag but it’s not a joyful celebration either.   I have to engage in games with the team “lead”.   He does not want to do his work so he pushes if off on me in the name of load balancing.   Hah!   Granted there isn’t a lot of work to be done as I do it as it comes in but I still don’t want to do his work so he can do his brand of nothing.   That’s my high light of what’s going on in my life. That’s not what is important though.   I am circling the depression zone, getting stuck on thoughts, ruminating a bit, languishing in perceived loneliness.   All the things I promised myself I wouldn’t do.   Yet here I am.   My therapist asked me if I wanted to try eHarmony for a hook up.   I told her I have nothing to offer and she
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