Swifty phiphty niner

When I abruptly entered this world as a baby I was delivered into the arms of a woman, my mother.  What few moments of tenderness that happened at that time I’ll never know but I know a habit of sweetness was not initiated and it was a fight ever since to allow my place in this world to be valid.  I was not nurtured with love and grace rather tolerance and impatience.   What sweet mystery that is behind the face of a woman was never revealed to me other than a countenance that displayed rancor and disappointment.  I was never to know the beauty behind the secret smile, the tender guile behind gentle blue eyes.  No my mysteries were more the raging tempest of unpredictable storms, the stringent sting of a whip on my backside.   The humiliation of waning trust turned into a shallow bitterness weathered constantly in front of family, friends and the occasional feminine interest.  I felt more of a social experiment in a lab craftfully built to l...

It’s Thursday, the 28 th of May and today I’m getting my front door measured.  I ordered a new door, one with lots of windows to let the glorious light of day fill my living room.   I have a fireplace right in the middle of my room that if I had my druthers I would remove and put a window there.  But the resale value is there with a fireplace.  Drat.  Plus I’ve seen how dusty it can get to remove a fireplace so my funky burning pit will stay and the new front door will have to illuminate what I want to see for now and all I want to see is daylight!  I’ve been riding my bike this month.  May is bike month and my job makes a big deal out of it.  Which is good as it got me hooked.  I have 271 miles logged on as a result of falling for it.  Not bad for an old broke dick man, eh?  Yesterday I rode 21 miles and it was fast and hard.  I breathed hard the entire way.  Kept saying to myself that I would slow down when I ...

I came to a realization last night in therapy.  It was regarding my experience last week in group, my bipolar group.  A group that is grounded in safety, love and unconditional support for each other.  We have a template to follow if we want and it’s voluntary who starts the meeting.  I volunteered for once to go first.  I had a bleeding heart so to speak and really wanted to get it off my chest. As I started to talk, Joe, the founder of this great group walked in and stood behind me.  Now I can’t remember what I said but I remember I was only 2 sentences into it when he put his hands on my shoulder and made a seemingly innocuous crack about what I said.  It was supposed to be funny and maybe if it was outside of group it would have not mattered so much.  But it wasn’t, it was in group and I did feel the flash of irritation heat up.  I pushed on regardless and finished pouring my heart out to group.  That’s not my style typically becaus...

Last night was interesting.   I was in therapy, yes, therapy and I just lost it. What triggered it was a simple statement from somebody chairing a meeting the other day.  He said he grew up in a normal home with loving parents and was given everything that he needed as a child and teenager.   Geez. I can’t relate to that at all.  I can’t put my finger on it, I can’t wrap my mind around that, I can’t understand what that could possibly mean.  I don’t have any relevance to that kind of life at all.  None, nada, dope.  I had the childhood of a wolf living in the back of the cave.  It’s not like missing Chem 1A and going oops, I have to retake that class to get credit, no, it’s missing a whole lifetime of youth.  Right, you only live once, you’re only young once, you don’t get that back.  I don’t want my youth back, hell no, but his statement really bugged me and I’m trying to figure out why. One thing is my knee jerk reaction...

I forgot my blog!  I’ve been so busy with living life daily that I forgot about this.  I’ve been riding my bike seriously (for me) and have been getting stronger daily because of it.  My minimum is 20 miles if it’s recreation.  I’ve gotten up to 37 miles but that’s about as long as I want to sit in a bicycle seat anyway.  So I ride, come home and do stretches and think I should learn yoga.  You see even when I’m doing well I still think I have to do gooder.  Isn’t it enough that I’m riding, God?  Or whoever is putting those thoughts in my head.  I’m also not writing because I think I’m storied out.  I have to remember that this is for my head and not primarily for entertainment.  My nights are wasted watching TV but they’re good shows.  Supernatural, The Walking Dead and Elementary.  All the basic goodness of TV I’m keeping in my head before I drift off to bed. I’ve kept the drama at bay by leaving everything at t...

  May is Bike Month!   Yay!   I get to ride my bike to work now and get little internet medals.   I will do it.   I signed up for 200 miles this May.   I did 150 last year and I had to ride 90 miles the last 9 days to make the goal.   But I made it.   Yeah some say it’s about the journey but I journeyed hard those last days to make a goal I set for myself.   I will parse it out a bit better this month, or so I say.    I do love riding my bike and since I’m getting fatter this is the perfect time to get on it every day!   I ordered some low-carb cookbooks from Amazon yesterday and will try to alter my diet.   I don’t eat badly, I just don’t really eat well.   Half the time I skip lunch and I don’t think that’s healthy.   Then I’m starving and I take a small bag of Fritos hostage.   No mercy for that sack of corn chips.   Of course I down it with a Rock Star or a Monster so I’m planning my night...

Good morning.   It’s been a bit since I’ve been bitten with the writing bug.   Lots of stuff seems to be going on.   I’m fighting a cholesterol battle with my doctor’s office. 3 months ago I checked in with a score of 230.   200 is the cutoff point so they were concerned.   All the other markers were off as well, what should have been low was high and what should have been high was low.   Too much sugar in my diet.   Yuck.   So I’ve been pounding down supplements and trying to eat different but I guess if you have a donut for breakfast dessert your numbers aren’t going to go in the direction you want them to go.   Crap.   Now I have to make a commitment to eat low carb, high fiber food for the next 3 months to see where the numbers end up.   Yes, it’s a challenge, the gauntlet has been thrown down and I, being a man, will take this challenge, at least 85% or so.   I gots to have some chocolate chip cookies sometimes.  ...