Swifty phiphty niner

I watched TV all weekend.   I watched the entire Season 2 of Marvel, Agents of Shield.   Great imaginative story line with lots of sub plots and twists.   I liked it.   However not so much the time I spent on the couch to enjoy such pleasure.    Sunday I didn’t even get out of my pajamas.   It was that brilliant of a day.   Let’s see, I didn’t try to kill myself, I didn’t self-sabotage   any relationships, I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t   get loaded so in essence it was a good day.   It takes imagination to find the good in everything I tell ya.   I just watched a preview for a Hank Williams movie coming up soon.   “Hey Good Lookin’,   What Ya Got Cookin”.   That song was playing in the background during the intro to the preview.   I must see this movie.   My mom took me to see “Your Cheatin’ Heart” back in 1964 when I was but a wee child of 8.   My memory tells me that Hank Williams was found...

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childho...

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childho...

Not much longer now.   33 days until I go over to the 60 side of life.   Today I’m sick so my outlook is a bit jaded.   So many people around me are retiring from work and here I sit, older than half of them but still coming to work every day.   It’s not a total drag but it’s not a joyful celebration either.   I have to engage in games with the team “lead”.   He does not want to do his work so he pushes if off on me in the name of load balancing.   Hah!   Granted there isn’t a lot of work to be done as I do it as it comes in but I still don’t want to do his work so he can do his brand of nothing.   That’s my high light of what’s going on in my life. That’s not what is important though.   I am circling the depression zone, getting stuck on thoughts, ruminating a bit, languishing in perceived loneliness.   All the things I promised myself I wouldn’t do.   Yet here I am.   My therapist asked me if I wanted to try eHarm...

I just watched “Love and Mercy” yesterday, about Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.   Very tender movie.   The guy was a musical genius according to the movie.   Touching and fulfilling at the same time.   You really want to root for the guy all through the movie.   Beat up by his dad as a kid because he was the oldest or something like that.   He suffered mental illness all the while and was taken advantage of by a psychiatrist as an adult that tried to control him through meds.   Pretty much did too but was thankfully stopped by a love interest of Brian’s.   Yay the good people win!   Now how can I turn this around to me? Hmm…well I’m going off of my meds as Brian did but for much less dramatic reasons and circumstances.   I don’t have a psychiatrist controlling my every move.   But I’m not mega rich either.   I am going off of my meds and I don’t think it’s a day too soon.    I’m moving meditation into the fore f...

I’m going off of my meds.   I have my psychiatrists blessing and we both realize it is an experiment.   As long as I’m honest with myself with where I’m at on the “Normal” scale all should be well.   I’ve been meditating every day for almost a year now and I think it’s time to put the meds to rest and see what a brain full of mediation is all about.   It’s not one of the promises that mediation will bring to you.   I know that.   I think I’ve found something to it though.   My demeanor is a lot calmer and I have brought down any anxiety several notches.    It’s a good thing.   Plus I want to know what it’s like to meditate with a clean brain.   Can I handle that?   Or is my brain conditioned to be on meds all the time?   I know that the day I’m off my meds it will still be a process to truly be off meds.   It might take another 6 months or a year to be fully med free.   But I will stick with it and see what p...

I’ve confessed to my sponsor yesterday of my little stealing binge that I’ve been on.   I would or have taken bags of coffee from Starbucks.   I come in wearing cargo shorts and find that their bags of coffee fit perfect, especially the Reserve Roast bags into my cargo side pocket.   Why do I do this?   I don’t know if I have the answer.   I’ll try to answer it in here.   My last bag was a couple of months ago so the dust is on the crime jacket for now. First it is a little rush when I do it.   There is that boundary that I cross where my fate is tied up so finitely on such a small act that it is a small explosion of feelings going off.   Now I know that most everyone would never think twice of doing something so stupid and sometimes I wonder if I do it just to spite that knowledge.   You won’t do it or even think of it so I’m going to do it just too fine tune my separateness from you.   I walk against the red light constantly too. ...