Swifty phiphty niner

Yesterday I ate a bowlful of triggers and broke down completely in my therapist’s office.   Sure some of it has to do with turning 60 but there were older more ancient forces at work.   I’m lazy, I’m a loser, I’m lonely, and I’m financially fragile.   I, I, I.   I am having a hard time seeing the good in my life and there is good.   I have my own home, I have a healthy son and a pretty good relationship with him.   My health is not bad, I wish I had straighter teeth. So I don’t know what was the champion of the I hate me club that brought me down so strategically.   I got a birthday card from a former girlfriend inviting me out to a dinner and I think that was what started it.   I realized that all the work that I’ve done in therapy and with my AA sponsor was all interrelated with the failings that transpired during that relationship.   The more I realized it, the greater power they started to have again in my brain.   I’m still supe...

My friend told me I shouldn’t date a woman from the “program” as they are just too damaged.    I countered that opinion with my second wife who was “normal” but crazier than bat shit in the end.   She had her own agenda and it wasn’t about making peace or being compassionate.   I think women from the program are as damaged as any woman or man but the one thing that separates them from outside women is that they are trying to heal.   Whatever way or path that they choose is still driven by a choice of wanting to get healthy.   And on a good day they realize that they are broken and they pick up their pieces and try to mold them into a way of life guided by some sense of sanity.   I’ve known normal women that don’t even see how they’re wrong with anything.   There is no fighting them as you’ve lost before you say the first word.   My mom was a perfect example of this theory. I’m afraid of women right now.   I think about them more ofte...

I watched TV all weekend.   I watched the entire Season 2 of Marvel, Agents of Shield.   Great imaginative story line with lots of sub plots and twists.   I liked it.   However not so much the time I spent on the couch to enjoy such pleasure.    Sunday I didn’t even get out of my pajamas.   It was that brilliant of a day.   Let’s see, I didn’t try to kill myself, I didn’t self-sabotage   any relationships, I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t   get loaded so in essence it was a good day.   It takes imagination to find the good in everything I tell ya.   I just watched a preview for a Hank Williams movie coming up soon.   “Hey Good Lookin’,   What Ya Got Cookin”.   That song was playing in the background during the intro to the preview.   I must see this movie.   My mom took me to see “Your Cheatin’ Heart” back in 1964 when I was but a wee child of 8.   My memory tells me that Hank Williams was found...

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childho...

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childho...

Not much longer now.   33 days until I go over to the 60 side of life.   Today I’m sick so my outlook is a bit jaded.   So many people around me are retiring from work and here I sit, older than half of them but still coming to work every day.   It’s not a total drag but it’s not a joyful celebration either.   I have to engage in games with the team “lead”.   He does not want to do his work so he pushes if off on me in the name of load balancing.   Hah!   Granted there isn’t a lot of work to be done as I do it as it comes in but I still don’t want to do his work so he can do his brand of nothing.   That’s my high light of what’s going on in my life. That’s not what is important though.   I am circling the depression zone, getting stuck on thoughts, ruminating a bit, languishing in perceived loneliness.   All the things I promised myself I wouldn’t do.   Yet here I am.   My therapist asked me if I wanted to try eHarm...

I just watched “Love and Mercy” yesterday, about Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.   Very tender movie.   The guy was a musical genius according to the movie.   Touching and fulfilling at the same time.   You really want to root for the guy all through the movie.   Beat up by his dad as a kid because he was the oldest or something like that.   He suffered mental illness all the while and was taken advantage of by a psychiatrist as an adult that tried to control him through meds.   Pretty much did too but was thankfully stopped by a love interest of Brian’s.   Yay the good people win!   Now how can I turn this around to me? Hmm…well I’m going off of my meds as Brian did but for much less dramatic reasons and circumstances.   I don’t have a psychiatrist controlling my every move.   But I’m not mega rich either.   I am going off of my meds and I don’t think it’s a day too soon.    I’m moving meditation into the fore f...