Swifty phiphty niner

My first blog straight from the keyboard to you.  I chaired 2 meetings these past 2 days.  A nooner yesterday and the 830 morning meeting today.  I chaired them.  Wow.  It wasn't that long ago when I would pass if I was just selected to speak.  If I did speak, it was a bit rambly, (understatement) fidgeting the entire team and most likely, completely off topic.  I'm not breaking into new ground into Toastmasters but I felt comfortable both times and had intent.  I introduced my topic (well sort of), kept on point and wrapped it up with a decent sensible ending.  I can truly say I'm proud of the growth that I've experienced this past year and pray that I will stay with the flow. My topics were forgiveness and I heard some wonderful responses from the crowd.  The unruly but darling crowd.  I have the feeling that these are my people and that is good.  I respect the thunder from AA and realize that what I get from AA i...

This is my Xmas Tree this year.  It's the first tree I've set up since my son was a little kid.  You know what?  I like it. Yes I like it.

We may consider the material world as the clay which the artist works with, to make of it something beautiful or ugly. We need not fear material things, which are neither good nor bad in the moral sense. There seems to be no active force for evil--outside of human beings themselves. Humans alone can have either evil intentions--resentments, malevolence, hate and revenge--or good intentions--love and good will. They can make something ugly or something beautiful out of the clay of their lives. Prayer For The Day I pray that I may make something beautiful out of my life. I pray that I may be a good artisan of the materials which I have been given to use. Typically I go to a bipolar support group  every Wednesday night that's called Balanced.  It is a Meetup group that was created almost 6 years ago as a peer to peer group for those blessed with bipolar, depression, anxiety etc.   It's good for me to hookup with my people.  I've been attending for 5 + years now. ...

Today's epic battle picks up at one cell.  I'm not sure which one.  It's definitely the one that starts everything. And it is one and one only that starts everything.  The surge of thought, the touch, the sight, the smell and the taste.  I'm sure there are sub-sonic senses that are happening that we're not aware of too.  But it's the first cell that starts it all in motion.  So when I think of Winnow (my former girlfriend), a bolt of lightning lights up this particular multi-mini-microscopic organism.  Just the one cell.  KABLAM!    It goes fat with excitement (or dread depending on the type of lightning) just enough to bump the cell next door.  Now there are two cells provoked.  Which is where this incredible math comes in.  2 bump 4, 4 bump 16, 16 bump 100 trillion, you get the picture.  The momentum started by that little bitty cell has my full attention wired for action.  If the initial thought is pure and ...

I'm one of those unpopular people who believes it is my parents faults for all the shit that I've gone through as an adult.  My mom, Chaos, and my dad, Kindly, did their best but they weren't raising hyenas, they were raising humans.  However I am aware that it's my responsibility to find my way back to sanity with as little collateral damage as possible.  I've always had that spark that kept saying it has to be better than this. With that said, I'm doing fantastically well today.  I'm only living in 3 different worlds at one time instead of dying in a desperate dozen.  I can make my life so complicated by my sensitive reactive responses to alleged snubs, hurts, misunderstandings, furtive glances.  My daily goal is to set my ADHD mind free of pounding distractions.  Dial down the sensory impulses and move into more quiet emotive sanctuaries.  As a result of my many hospitalizations and diagnosis's I've been on a med regimen to stabilize the more...

My 59th birthday has passed 2 days now.  363 days from a new decade, towards 60.  I'm inspired by my sister's (Cleopatra) blogging commitment to plug away myself  at the thoughts chugging away on the mental rails towards my 60th.  Prepare yourself for an all-over-the-map story as I put it all together.  What's funny and funnier about this is that my memory is merely embroidery on the tapestry of life so I only have quips, whispers, whimsy and snapshots to rely upon for any detail.  I will say my name is Pher and that is the only name that will be closely real in this yarn.  In case I do make it well past 60 I still want to have some relationships in place. 10 years ago at 49 I tried to kill myself.  I think I'm better equipped to deal with this transition than my 50th.  That's a good place to start. I swallowed about 45 pills, Vicodin's and benzo's in a pit of catastrophrastic (I will make up a lot of my...