Swifty phiphty niner

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I remember being born.   The moments before the push a familiar hush whispered to me (in ancient GushMush), “YYou are being pushed into the light child.   YYou will lose the innocence of the dark.   IIt will no longer be your balm of safety.   IIt may be unsettling because you will wonder where the safety is.   SSadly a lot of children find darkness a place of fear instead.”   I wanted to ask questions but I didn’t have the capacity, didn’t know I didn’t know I had the capacity.   I had been on my own and in a state of blissful peace my entire life and suddenly violent spasms were shaking my world. “TThere will be some uncomfortable movement as all of your senses accustom themselves to the new environment.   BBe strong and try to remember that it’s only a transition.”   Gently talking as if they were taking slow breaths on a summer day.   No name for this entity, just the benign conversation that was to change my completely perfect ...

Happy new year 2015.  This is the year I turn 60 and being this blog is about the days running up to that date, how appropriate we're here.  In the year.  Celebrated last night in grand style.  I was invited to attend a dinner at Vince's Ristorante in West Sacramento.  It was the 40th anniversary of the New Years dinner so quite a tradition and I felt  honored to be invited.  I sat next to Danny and across from several women who attend the Cathedral meetings regularly.  Chris, Carolyn, Vicki, Jeannie, Kim and Nina.  I had a blast from the minute I entered to the minute I left.  Very good people and a million years of sobriety gathered.   I just chaired the Cathedral meeting Tuesday and it was packed.  It was the end of the month birthday meeting so quite the crowd gathered.  I swore I wouldn't be nervous but a whiff of insecurity breezed through me as I walked up to the table to speak.  It was my third chair in 5 days...

I am an addict.   You can throw the term alcoholic into the hat too if you want.   But bottom line I suffer from addiction.   Not just the typical drug addiction but behavioral addictions.   It’s not important to offer the nouns or verbs associated with this, I think everyone has their own idea of what I’m talking about.   Today I’m doing an exercise associated with said addiction.   (Exercise 8 from the book, “The Tao of Sobriety”, by David Gregson and Jay S. Stern, Ph.D.)   I’m conducting an interview with the committee in my head to confer and come up with some answers to my thoughts on my particular responses to my addictions.    Here is what transpired: 1.        How would you describe your relationship to your drug of choice? It’s my Linus blanket.   Sometimes my thinking gets really harsh and I find myself going to extremes, all black, all white and I’m afraid of where it will go.   I’v...

Another memory of the Peugeot was a bit more violent.   We are back in the states, living in Maine and my brother, Volt and I are going to my sister’s wedding in Farmington, NH.   I brought a friend along who also knew my sister.   His name was Mark (real).   This was my half-sister, DoeRaymee and we had only known each other for the brief custody visits my mom was allowed when we were little kids.   Yeah, my mom lost custody of both her daughters in 1950.   It’s takes a lot of something for a woman to lose custody of her daughters.   Fahsolah was the oldest, DoeRaymee, the youngest.   I never had a close relationship with Doeraymee as I did with Fahsolah.   But that was a long time ago and now as teenagers and young adults, things were changing.   Doeraymee was getting married!   Truth be told, it was going to be free booze and maybe a whiff of some pot knowing her and her future husband.   RSVP big time.   Because of t...

The rise and fall of the Peugeot 404.   It might not have been a 404, that’s what my memory is, er, wait, I’m getting a new image, it’s a 504.   Yep definitely a 504.   My dad bought it while on assignment in Germany so it was probably a 1972, brand new.   Some weird Air Force perk where you buy it through the Canadian PX and it is shipped to your address in Germany.   As a young teenager I had zero interest in cars.   Probably as a result of living on base in Germany I don’t know.   Cars and motorcycles were never much my thing anyway.   If it wasn’t rock and roll, alcohol, going to movies, thinking about kissing princesses or reading books I wasn’t interested.   But my dad seemed to be excited about this particular model and I admit it was a good looking car.   It had a midnight blue finish so that may be why to this day my cars almost always have the same paint job.   I don’t recall too much about this auto (pronounced OW-TOE i...

It’s 7:00 on Sunday night.   I spent the day by myself.   Except for the morning meditation meeting at Traditional.   I’m glad I made that.   It was a struggle to get out of bed to make it at 9:30 as it just felt so good to lay there.   But no I promised myself that I would go if Traditional started it so off I went.   Even as I sat there I knew I wanted to leave as soon as the sit was over as I didn’t want to listen to what anybody said.   But no, once again I listened to that small new voice that said, “Take it easy dude, you might hear something good.”   I did stay and I heard nothing but wonderful things.   All thoughts from other minds that didn’t cater to my blanched state.   I’m not sure what’s going on but it’s going on.   Winnow passed her licensing test, at least part 1 of 2 and I am so happy for her.   It was a big deal but I had faith where she may have not for a moment or two.   I did pray for her succe...