Swifty phiphty niner

And then I met Nicole.   What an ending.   What a beginning.   My life was spiraling completely out of control emotionally and this near angel of mercy stepped in and everything stopped spinning.   The pain of living stopped for a moment and I was able to transport myself back to reality.   Well reality in this case was pretty subjective.   I was a king with no queen, my kingdom was dying, pestilence, rioting, strife, and unrest was a typical day in my head.   My mental wound languished and I suffered greatly.   My wife was cheating on me and treating me like a battered child at home.   I’d make it to work and Nicole would say the kindest things to me.   It was textbook end game, end of days, death of one queen, and hail to the new one.   This period in my life is pretty spotty and I have to rely on rumors mostly to fill in the blanks. My wife and I were trying to make a go of it but it all depended on her decision.   Hers. ...

My  Poppy  rose up every  Daisy  with a Cuppa Joe . " Chrysanthemum !  I  Aster  have my java hotter"! He  Snappeddragon ed curtly. My  Feverfew  was blossoming but I wanted to beat that  St James Wart  off his face with my  Goldenrod . Get my Foxgloves  on and give him a couple  Black-eyed Susans . " Begonia   Poppy  or you'll never see the light of a  Sunflower  again!  I'm  Impatiens  with your seedy  Painted Tongue .  I  Dahlia  to  Violet  my personal space again." I  Amarylli zed I was in a  Red Hot Poker   Scarlet Sage  and had to breathe  Baby Breaths  to find that  Sweet Alyssum   Cosmos  and get out of this  Yarrow ing compost pile. "Oh you're such a  Bleeding Heart Pansy . Why don't you grow a pair of  Coral Bells  to hide those  Gayfeather Baby Blue Ey...

I haven’t written in a few day because I’ve physically been in chronic pain.   I have an issue with headaches and they are kicking my ass.   I’ve done most cursory exams and they’re not migraines, sinus, or cluster headaches.   I’ve had an MRI, CTScan, Lumbar puncture and blood work done.   Up next is an MRA (a picture of the blood vessels in my brain), a CTScan of my neck, an EEG and a memory test.   I’ve had this headache since June and it goes up and down the scale of pain.   When it stays around a 3 or 4 I can manage but when it starts to escalate, all bets are off.   Last night I didn’t get a wink of sleep.   My new doctor started me on a new med and I wonder if that is a side effect.   No sleep.   I can’t think of a worse side effect than that. I like the idea of this blog, writing out the buzz I hear from the wiring in my brain.   Some of it has been dark, uncomfortable but it is really good.   I want to be a good p...

I’m kind of spent this week.   I’m not sure what it is.   I’ve had a headache that started in June and it wreaks havoc every once in a while.   Really torments me.   When the worst of it subsides it stays at a level 2 or 3 but my body gets worn out.   Coupled with the therapy I’m doing, the work I’m doing with my sponsor, staying clean, and going to work I’m fatigued to the bone.   Writing these blogs takes a toll too.   I feel like I’m stuck at 13 again and I wonder why.   I fall back into the “what do I want to do with my life” zone.   At 59 it seems like most people would have pretty much wound up what they’ve done and now are ready to simply enjoy the golden years.   I seriously don’t think I have that much time left so I’d like the remaining time to count in some enriching way.   My resting heart beat is around 90 so I’ve pretty much gone through most of my allotted beats.   I’m learning about the soul, my soul though....

Day 45 Dad Thirteen years ago today my dad died in my arms.   I slept in the room with him his last night.   About 3 in the morning when his breathing started getting ragged I crawled into bed with him and cradled him for his last 4 hours alive.   It was an intense intimate experience, hands on with death and the absolute powerless feeling that you are exposed to.   He didn’t have any words as he was knocked out by a little chemical the afternoon before.   He just didn’t regain consciousness and slept the rest of his life away. We were in Bellingham, WA, on the third floor of the medical center in the death with dignity wing when it happened.   I remember looking out the window at the fresh snow that fell during the evening and I felt like I was the only person on the planet.   It looked and felt barren.   I was alone with my dad, more alone than I ever felt.   I laid on his chest and sobbed and hugged him and rubbed him so he would...

My story about Captain Kelley reminded me of another captain I knew in the Air Force.   This was Captain Morris and he and his wife, Bridgettredheadandbigboobs, or as we called her, Mrs. Morris, were friends with both of my parents.   The same setup as with the Kelley’s but this was pre-Germany, Fairfield, California, all of us stationed at Travis.   Military life has such different words for ordinary life.   We were stationed at Travis, we didn’t live there, we were stationed there.   We had a port of call for Germany in June of ’69, we weren’t leaving, flying to Germany, we had a port of call.   We always had to show our ID when we were on base, “Show us your papers!”   We went to the commissary, not the market, the BX, not Wonderworld (Wal-Mart today).   I used to think it was the PX but I guess the BX makes more sense, if you have a military slanted mind, the base exchange. The Morris’ had 3 boys, Roy Dean, my age, Danny, 2 years younge...

I went to Starbucks this morning for a little morning blast.   I noticed the lights for “buck” were unplugged and I thought it was a cute name for a coffee shop.   Stars Coffee.   Only a couple of people were in line and one was a major in the Air Force.   How do I know that?   He was wearing a flight uniform complete with the zippered pockets down by his ankle.   Uniforms these days use Velcro for patches.   I don’t know, I like the old school look better.   Maybe more moms or wives liked sewing patches back in the 60’s than they do now.   I was darning socks the other night, I think I might be in the minority of men that still do that today too. “Are you a pilot?” I ventured. “Yes” he said with a kind smile.   He looked so young and handsome.   My dad must have looked the same in his day. “Yeah my dad was a pilot as well in the Air Force.   He flew a KC-135, well, that was his favorite plane to fly.” “Oh yeah, I...