Swifty phiphty niner

“Does anyone here know Volt Shirley? If you do, I’m going to kill that mother next time I see him!” Okay, he’s going to kill my brother, he’s got my interest; I’ll bite. “Why, oh why are you going to kill him?” I hope my beer doesn’t go stale waiting for this idiot, Harvey, to answer. “Why do you want to know?” “Well, as his brother, I’d like to tell my parents at the funeral the noble reason why he died.” The night sky exploded in a profusion of stars, moons, planets and galaxies. I wasn’t sure how I came to be this spaceman when a moment earlier I was sipping a beer with friends and locals in Chasey’s Field off of old Witchtrot Road in South Berwick, Maine. And then it hit me. No not an emotional realization but the bat in Harvey’s hand. Whap! Uh oh, more stars. A lot more stars. Whap, whap! Fuck, my head is getting bashed in! This was no field trip to the local observatory. No, this was an old fashioned melon busting by this completely deranged douche bag. I was lying on...

This is a story about a 2nd interview I had with a great company. It was scary interviewing for a job at 56! It’s just scary interviewing for any job but after so many years on my current job (11 +) I didn’t anticipate this being part of my reality. I really liked where I was, but IBM had peculiar ways of casting off contractors which was my title at the time…yuck. But a second interview! Yeah! Pull out my interview flash cards; what are my strong points (creative, relentless when I need to learn something), weak points (too creative, waaaay too relentless), good questions to ask (what qualities do I have to shine at to merit all the good guy medals, what’s the management style, are IT coffee breaks still an hour long?). Okay, got that. Suit back from the dry cleaner, black pressed suit. Okay, maybe, just maybe, they won’t see the little moth holes I just discovered on the back of the pants legs…ohhh drat…. White shirt freshly pressed, conservative tie (no, not the Jer...

Hi.   It’s been a bit since I’ve written anything.   I feel so energized with everything that’s been happening in my life lately.   And it’s just life that’s been happening.   I still come to work every day, I go home and make something to eat and then watch some TV.   I have found time to meditate each day, a good 21 – 22 minute sit.   I’ve been riding my bike to work most days and that is great.   I talk to Ry and he’s come over a couple of times to hang out with his old man.   Yeah, so its life, and I’m doing it and it feels great. Ry turned me on to a TV show called Supernatural and I’ve found the perfect addiction to satisfy my addiction center for now.   It’s in its 10 th season and I’ve started with Season 1 and am slowly rolling through each episode.   It’s not expanding the mind electric but it does have a calming effect on my brain.   They’re brothers fighting the supernatural evil in the world, er, United States a...

I keep thinking I’m getting better.   Better at life, better making choices, better with my behavior.   Then it seems to cave in on itself in a bout of narcissistic self-absorption.   I guess some days I just don’t get it.   I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar and maybe all I can hope for is that there will be moments that I do get it but with mountain sized bookends of only trying to figure it out.   Maybe the miracle is that I am trying to figure it out, at least I’m making a fight out of it.   I wonder if I’m fighting or flirting with a depression now.   Typically they’re a downer, tiredness, ennui, isolation, self slutdom, the worst.   But today I feel very tired and tested every day.   I slept for most of the day Saturday and forced myself out of bed Sunday to ride my bike.   I had to get out and breathe.   If being tired is the only symptom this time then maybe I can tolerate it but it won’t subside or bide the tide at this l...

Hello.   I’m still here.   Just living life one day at a time.   I just had an ergo evaluation so I’m coming from a much more comfortable place.   It started with a sharp pain in my neck and it started when I started typing this blog.   At first it was just a pain that only lasted as long as I was typing and then it would go away.   Slowly, as I grew more ancient like the planets in the solar system, the pain started to linger.   Then it was just a persistent pain.   Dang, I’m not loving getting older.   But now that my stance is much more acceptable to the ergo gods I do believe that I can type pain free for a time. YAY!   I’ll take it. It seems like days go by and nothing happens but when you think about it in terms of blogging, a lot has happened.   Not only in terms of blogging but just life in general.   I went to my sister’s house the other night to play cards and that was a good night out!   We played 2 games o...

I went to visit Bob yesterday.  Denny sent me a text and said either go see him or read his obit.  I took his advice.  I drove to West Sac to their house (Bob and Kathy) that I’ve never been to before.  I realized on the way over that I’ve never driven over the I Street Bridge before.  Details were starting to pop up in my brain on the way over.  Denny said to prepare myself as he is not the man I’ve known.  I’m all right with that I think.  I found the house and knocked and then just opened the door as Kathy was walking to the front door. “Hi Chris Shirley!  It’s so good that you came over.  Bob really loved you a lot!” her smile hiding the pressure of staying awake with the strain of caring for someone so long.  I went upstairs to the master bedroom and there I found Bob.  He was in the sleeping state.  Eyes partially open, mouth open and breathing that death breathing that I’ll never forget from the time my dad die...

Okay I’m unskillful in my hyper active emotional requests.   They come off more as a bull in the china shop syndrome than poppies fluttering in an early morning breeze.   But it’s my desire to live my life as honestly as I can with self-integrity.   It’s not a natural process that I can pull this off with grace but I’m pulling it off for the right reason regardless.   I’m talking primarily of course about my relationship with women.   My relationships with men wallow in the mire also but that touches a different part of me intrinsically.   The last 5 women I’ve had feelings for have sent me to places that are all over the planet.   One was a long term (over 2 years) and the others just a moments breath, fog on the mirror and then done.   And not all have been relationships rather feelings that goose stepped through my emotional parade with crushing pervasive personal truths.   Revealing patterns that I come back too ultimately and repeate...