Swifty phiphty niner

I just watched “Love and Mercy” yesterday, about Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.   Very tender movie.   The guy was a musical genius according to the movie.   Touching and fulfilling at the same time.   You really want to root for the guy all through the movie.   Beat up by his dad as a kid because he was the oldest or something like that.   He suffered mental illness all the while and was taken advantage of by a psychiatrist as an adult that tried to control him through meds.   Pretty much did too but was thankfully stopped by a love interest of Brian’s.   Yay the good people win!   Now how can I turn this around to me? Hmm…well I’m going off of my meds as Brian did but for much less dramatic reasons and circumstances.   I don’t have a psychiatrist controlling my every move.   But I’m not mega rich either.   I am going off of my meds and I don’t think it’s a day too soon.    I’m moving meditation into the fore front of my treatment and pushing medication back to voodoo status.  

I’m going off of my meds.   I have my psychiatrists blessing and we both realize it is an experiment.   As long as I’m honest with myself with where I’m at on the “Normal” scale all should be well.   I’ve been meditating every day for almost a year now and I think it’s time to put the meds to rest and see what a brain full of mediation is all about.   It’s not one of the promises that mediation will bring to you.   I know that.   I think I’ve found something to it though.   My demeanor is a lot calmer and I have brought down any anxiety several notches.    It’s a good thing.   Plus I want to know what it’s like to meditate with a clean brain.   Can I handle that?   Or is my brain conditioned to be on meds all the time?   I know that the day I’m off my meds it will still be a process to truly be off meds.   It might take another 6 months or a year to be fully med free.   But I will stick with it and see what plays out.   I’ve dreamed of this day many times.   I just thought it wo

I’ve confessed to my sponsor yesterday of my little stealing binge that I’ve been on.   I would or have taken bags of coffee from Starbucks.   I come in wearing cargo shorts and find that their bags of coffee fit perfect, especially the Reserve Roast bags into my cargo side pocket.   Why do I do this?   I don’t know if I have the answer.   I’ll try to answer it in here.   My last bag was a couple of months ago so the dust is on the crime jacket for now. First it is a little rush when I do it.   There is that boundary that I cross where my fate is tied up so finitely on such a small act that it is a small explosion of feelings going off.   Now I know that most everyone would never think twice of doing something so stupid and sometimes I wonder if I do it just to spite that knowledge.   You won’t do it or even think of it so I’m going to do it just too fine tune my separateness from you.   I walk against the red light constantly too.   I wonder why I’m getting fat when I barely exer

What has meditation done for me?   Well the main thing is it has calmed me down.   I don’t live by drama alone anymore.   I find that I can observe events going on in my life before reacting and choose how I’m going to respond.   I find the quiet time quite invigorating.   I wish I could remember time as in how long I’ve been doing it but I can say that it has been at least a year since I’ve started doing it every day.   It hasn’t help me keep up with my blogging though.   But I care about my practice and I want to learn more about it each day.   I am going to a Zen Buddhist meditation group every Sunday and I hang out with the Sangha and listen as I can.   I do a 40 minute sit with the group and really enjoy the time.   When I tried to meditate before I could only do about 2 or 3 minutes and give up fairly easily.   Not so now.   At home I do 25 minutes and feel good about that.   Someday I will shoot for an hour just to see how long I can sit.     Then I will learn about sitting