Swifty phiphty niner

Yesterday I ate a bowlful of triggers and broke down completely in my therapist’s office.   Sure some of it has to do with turning 60 but there were older more ancient forces at work.   I’m lazy, I’m a loser, I’m lonely, and I’m financially fragile.   I, I, I.   I am having a hard time seeing the good in my life and there is good.   I have my own home, I have a healthy son and a pretty good relationship with him.   My health is not bad, I wish I had straighter teeth. So I don’t know what was the champion of the I hate me club that brought me down so strategically.   I got a birthday card from a former girlfriend inviting me out to a dinner and I think that was what started it.   I realized that all the work that I’ve done in therapy and with my AA sponsor was all interrelated with the failings that transpired during that relationship.   The more I realized it, the greater power they started to have again in my brain.   I’m still super sensitive in temperament and I do suffer from e

My friend told me I shouldn’t date a woman from the “program” as they are just too damaged.    I countered that opinion with my second wife who was “normal” but crazier than bat shit in the end.   She had her own agenda and it wasn’t about making peace or being compassionate.   I think women from the program are as damaged as any woman or man but the one thing that separates them from outside women is that they are trying to heal.   Whatever way or path that they choose is still driven by a choice of wanting to get healthy.   And on a good day they realize that they are broken and they pick up their pieces and try to mold them into a way of life guided by some sense of sanity.   I’ve known normal women that don’t even see how they’re wrong with anything.   There is no fighting them as you’ve lost before you say the first word.   My mom was a perfect example of this theory. I’m afraid of women right now.   I think about them more often than not.   What would it be like to be in a re

I watched TV all weekend.   I watched the entire Season 2 of Marvel, Agents of Shield.   Great imaginative story line with lots of sub plots and twists.   I liked it.   However not so much the time I spent on the couch to enjoy such pleasure.    Sunday I didn’t even get out of my pajamas.   It was that brilliant of a day.   Let’s see, I didn’t try to kill myself, I didn’t self-sabotage   any relationships, I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t   get loaded so in essence it was a good day.   It takes imagination to find the good in everything I tell ya.   I just watched a preview for a Hank Williams movie coming up soon.   “Hey Good Lookin’,   What Ya Got Cookin”.   That song was playing in the background during the intro to the preview.   I must see this movie.   My mom took me to see “Your Cheatin’ Heart” back in 1964 when I was but a wee child of 8.   My memory tells me that Hank Williams was found dead in the back of his car from alcoholism   in the movie.   It made a huge impact on m