Swifty phiphty niner

It’s Thursday, the 28 th of May and today I’m getting my front door measured.  I ordered a new door, one with lots of windows to let the glorious light of day fill my living room.   I have a fireplace right in the middle of my room that if I had my druthers I would remove and put a window there.  But the resale value is there with a fireplace.  Drat.  Plus I’ve seen how dusty it can get to remove a fireplace so my funky burning pit will stay and the new front door will have to illuminate what I want to see for now and all I want to see is daylight!  I’ve been riding my bike this month.  May is bike month and my job makes a big deal out of it.  Which is good as it got me hooked.  I have 271 miles logged on as a result of falling for it.  Not bad for an old broke dick man, eh?  Yesterday I rode 21 miles and it was fast and hard.  I breathed hard the entire way.  Kept saying to myself that I would slow down when I got to that tree or the next corner but the stamina kept up and I rod

I came to a realization last night in therapy.  It was regarding my experience last week in group, my bipolar group.  A group that is grounded in safety, love and unconditional support for each other.  We have a template to follow if we want and it’s voluntary who starts the meeting.  I volunteered for once to go first.  I had a bleeding heart so to speak and really wanted to get it off my chest. As I started to talk, Joe, the founder of this great group walked in and stood behind me.  Now I can’t remember what I said but I remember I was only 2 sentences into it when he put his hands on my shoulder and made a seemingly innocuous crack about what I said.  It was supposed to be funny and maybe if it was outside of group it would have not mattered so much.  But it wasn’t, it was in group and I did feel the flash of irritation heat up.  I pushed on regardless and finished pouring my heart out to group.  That’s not my style typically because as one of the group elders I try to be optimist

Last night was interesting.   I was in therapy, yes, therapy and I just lost it. What triggered it was a simple statement from somebody chairing a meeting the other day.  He said he grew up in a normal home with loving parents and was given everything that he needed as a child and teenager.   Geez. I can’t relate to that at all.  I can’t put my finger on it, I can’t wrap my mind around that, I can’t understand what that could possibly mean.  I don’t have any relevance to that kind of life at all.  None, nada, dope.  I had the childhood of a wolf living in the back of the cave.  It’s not like missing Chem 1A and going oops, I have to retake that class to get credit, no, it’s missing a whole lifetime of youth.  Right, you only live once, you’re only young once, you don’t get that back.  I don’t want my youth back, hell no, but his statement really bugged me and I’m trying to figure out why. One thing is my knee jerk reaction is that he’s fibbing.  It wasn’t ALL that good.  How could

I forgot my blog!  I’ve been so busy with living life daily that I forgot about this.  I’ve been riding my bike seriously (for me) and have been getting stronger daily because of it.  My minimum is 20 miles if it’s recreation.  I’ve gotten up to 37 miles but that’s about as long as I want to sit in a bicycle seat anyway.  So I ride, come home and do stretches and think I should learn yoga.  You see even when I’m doing well I still think I have to do gooder.  Isn’t it enough that I’m riding, God?  Or whoever is putting those thoughts in my head.  I’m also not writing because I think I’m storied out.  I have to remember that this is for my head and not primarily for entertainment.  My nights are wasted watching TV but they’re good shows.  Supernatural, The Walking Dead and Elementary.  All the basic goodness of TV I’m keeping in my head before I drift off to bed. I’ve kept the drama at bay by leaving everything at the step due to mediation.  I’ve been meditating every day and it