Swifty phiphty niner

I went to Sunnyvale this weekend.   My cousin’s ex-husband died last month and I went to support her for the wake.   His name was David Price and he left two children behind.   I had known him for 20+ years on and off.   I didn’t hang out with my cousin constantly but when we did I hung out with him.   It was a rocky time when their marriage split and he didn’t have any shyness calling me to talk about it.   That was a doozy phone call, that first one.   But it’s a hairy time in someone’s life when they realize the marriage is over.   Now I can go one of two ways here, continue to talk about the wake or talk about when my marriages dissolved.   Maybe a bit of both. There was a beautiful slide show that his daughter, Ellery put together.   She had songs by Dylan, the Stones, and the Beatles paired with the pictures.   I was surprised at how many pictures he had posed for over the years.   I couldn’t help but think of my wake and thinking there’s no way they’ll come up with that m

This is what I wrote to my sponsor a year ago in a text message, "This is the truth. Maybe my brain is evolving. Coming home from the movie I saw everything I drove by. The cracks in the road, wires overhead differing in color the more distant they ran. I saw shutters, wooden window frames, people riding bikes, brown spots on lawns, rivets in the bridge, where there were breaks in chain link fences etc. It is not insignificant. I felt grateful that I was able to see and how I felt being able to see. All I did was look. I didn't judge any of it, I didn't try to label it any deeper than what each part represented. I felt that I was only a witness to the notion that I am aware enough TO see. I saw things and then those things were gone, behind me and I didn't feel anything because I kept seeing more.  What I got from that amazingly rich ride home was my feelings may not be any more or any less than images flying by. I can feel them at the very moment they fire off

Desiderata Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as pere

I chaired a meeting yesterday morning at North Hall.   It’s the LGBT meeting for Sacramento.   I don’t know why you needed to know that.   You need to know that it’s the first time that I’ve been there.   It wasn’t too bad, about 13 or 14 people.   Of course I don’t have a spiel lined up other than I wanted to talk about happiness.   How my life has been shaped by happiness, the lack thereof, the pursuit, the moments that I mistook for happiness etc.   I started by mentioning my mom’s lack of happiness and how it affected my pursuit of happiness.   You see if she wasn’t happy, she took it out on us.   In me it created a need to affect my mom so she was always happy.   OH what a responsibility to be in charge of keeping mom happy.   Nothing was predictable so she could go off in any moment and for any reason.   It’s hard to keep control of the uncontrollable.   And there are no perks for this job, I would get beaten with the coffee cord if my plans were really waylaid.   And then re

I was reading with my sponsor last night out of a book, “Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be” by Lama Surya Das.   We were reading about loss and the author was listing off a peel of losses, one after another as if they were days on the calendar.   But the loss that cut the most was the loss of his dad.   He talked about his relationship with his dad, how close they were and how 6 years later the loss has cut across time and is just as acute now as the day he originally died.   I started reading out loud during this page and I couldn’t do it.   My voice started breaking and I could feel the tears flowing down my face.   Now my dad passed 13 years ago but there are moments when the loss is so fresh in my mind.   I kept reading despite my choppiness and got through my part.    My sponsor asked me if that was a rough spot and I nodded in agreement.   But it really got to me how fresh the wound was. I texted him later saying, “It’s a hell of a thing to have your dad die in your ar

“Hi Anne, it’s so good to see you!” I blushed as I blurted this out. “Hi Chris, it’s good to see you too.   You look good.” Anne was blushing a bit too. I reached over the suitcase and gave her a hug and did an awkward side face kiss.   She kissed at the same time and we hit each other on the cheek.   I was aiming for her lips like the fool that I am but at the last second tilted the angle and swiped along the side of her face.   The funny thing was she was doing the same thing.   Now it was really awkward. “Thanks for coming out to pick me up, I thought you would be busy with the kids and Eddie would come.” “The kids are all almost teens now and I wanted to see you first!” she admitted.   “I put Eddie to work on tonight’s dinner.” “Well that was a good decision.   Let’s go get ‘em!” I rushed my words hoping to hide the nervousness of my thoughts.   Anne picking me up.    I was looking forward to seeing her but her picking me up was a bonus of heavenly magnitude.

Hi.   I have just come back from a week and a half vacation.   Whew is it hard coming back to work.   I went back East, no surprise and spent time with my cousins.   Specifically Halina and her beau, David.   And their 3 teenagers and 4 dogs.   4 dogs.   Two of them are the yappy Chihuahuas that true to their nature, yapped whenever I got within walking distance from them.   God I wanted to step on them.   Other than that it was sweet.   Went down to North Carolina to the Outer Banks and spent time in the sun.   And in the water which was a balmy 75% degrees.   But it was just sweet to get comfortable with my family.   I had thoughts of the big picture, a cousin hanging out with a cousin well into our 50’s.   Well I have a lot of thoughts about doing a lot of things well into my 50’s lately.   I don’t think it’s a bad thing and they all seem to like me when we get together.   You know that expression about staying longer than 3 days it gets kind of old.   I hope they don’t think