Swifty phiphty niner

Yesterday I ate a bowlful of triggers and broke down completely in my therapist’s office.   Sure some of it has to do with turning 60 but there were older more ancient forces at work.   I’m lazy, I’m a loser, I’m lonely, and I’m financially fragile.   I, I, I.   I am having a hard time seeing the good in my life and there is good.   I have my own home, I have a healthy son and a pretty good relationship with him.   My health is not bad, I wish I had straighter teeth. So I don’t know what was the champion of the I hate me club that brought me down so strategically.   I got a birthday card from a former girlfriend inviting me out to a dinner and I think that was what started it.   I realized that all the work that I’ve done in therapy and with my AA sponsor was all interrelated with the failings that transpired during that relationship.   The more I realized it, the greater power they started to have again in my brain.   I’m still super sensitive in temperament and I do suffer from e

My friend told me I shouldn’t date a woman from the “program” as they are just too damaged.    I countered that opinion with my second wife who was “normal” but crazier than bat shit in the end.   She had her own agenda and it wasn’t about making peace or being compassionate.   I think women from the program are as damaged as any woman or man but the one thing that separates them from outside women is that they are trying to heal.   Whatever way or path that they choose is still driven by a choice of wanting to get healthy.   And on a good day they realize that they are broken and they pick up their pieces and try to mold them into a way of life guided by some sense of sanity.   I’ve known normal women that don’t even see how they’re wrong with anything.   There is no fighting them as you’ve lost before you say the first word.   My mom was a perfect example of this theory. I’m afraid of women right now.   I think about them more often than not.   What would it be like to be in a re

I watched TV all weekend.   I watched the entire Season 2 of Marvel, Agents of Shield.   Great imaginative story line with lots of sub plots and twists.   I liked it.   However not so much the time I spent on the couch to enjoy such pleasure.    Sunday I didn’t even get out of my pajamas.   It was that brilliant of a day.   Let’s see, I didn’t try to kill myself, I didn’t self-sabotage   any relationships, I didn’t binge eat, I didn’t   get loaded so in essence it was a good day.   It takes imagination to find the good in everything I tell ya.   I just watched a preview for a Hank Williams movie coming up soon.   “Hey Good Lookin’,   What Ya Got Cookin”.   That song was playing in the background during the intro to the preview.   I must see this movie.   My mom took me to see “Your Cheatin’ Heart” back in 1964 when I was but a wee child of 8.   My memory tells me that Hank Williams was found dead in the back of his car from alcoholism   in the movie.   It made a huge impact on m

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childhood I endured.   But I’m an adult now and have painfully and slowly learned

Good morning.   It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not.   I find myself circling the drain again.   What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul.   Depression.   Flatness.   Dull awareness.   It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship.   In any relationship.   Forget being with a woman.   They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on.   This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60.   I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life.   So what have I learned?   What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums? I’m not a victim.   Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childhood I endured.   But I’m an adult now and have painfully and slowly learned

Not much longer now.   33 days until I go over to the 60 side of life.   Today I’m sick so my outlook is a bit jaded.   So many people around me are retiring from work and here I sit, older than half of them but still coming to work every day.   It’s not a total drag but it’s not a joyful celebration either.   I have to engage in games with the team “lead”.   He does not want to do his work so he pushes if off on me in the name of load balancing.   Hah!   Granted there isn’t a lot of work to be done as I do it as it comes in but I still don’t want to do his work so he can do his brand of nothing.   That’s my high light of what’s going on in my life. That’s not what is important though.   I am circling the depression zone, getting stuck on thoughts, ruminating a bit, languishing in perceived loneliness.   All the things I promised myself I wouldn’t do.   Yet here I am.   My therapist asked me if I wanted to try eHarmony for a hook up.   I told her I have nothing to offer and she

I just watched “Love and Mercy” yesterday, about Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys.   Very tender movie.   The guy was a musical genius according to the movie.   Touching and fulfilling at the same time.   You really want to root for the guy all through the movie.   Beat up by his dad as a kid because he was the oldest or something like that.   He suffered mental illness all the while and was taken advantage of by a psychiatrist as an adult that tried to control him through meds.   Pretty much did too but was thankfully stopped by a love interest of Brian’s.   Yay the good people win!   Now how can I turn this around to me? Hmm…well I’m going off of my meds as Brian did but for much less dramatic reasons and circumstances.   I don’t have a psychiatrist controlling my every move.   But I’m not mega rich either.   I am going off of my meds and I don’t think it’s a day too soon.    I’m moving meditation into the fore front of my treatment and pushing medication back to voodoo status.  

I’m going off of my meds.   I have my psychiatrists blessing and we both realize it is an experiment.   As long as I’m honest with myself with where I’m at on the “Normal” scale all should be well.   I’ve been meditating every day for almost a year now and I think it’s time to put the meds to rest and see what a brain full of mediation is all about.   It’s not one of the promises that mediation will bring to you.   I know that.   I think I’ve found something to it though.   My demeanor is a lot calmer and I have brought down any anxiety several notches.    It’s a good thing.   Plus I want to know what it’s like to meditate with a clean brain.   Can I handle that?   Or is my brain conditioned to be on meds all the time?   I know that the day I’m off my meds it will still be a process to truly be off meds.   It might take another 6 months or a year to be fully med free.   But I will stick with it and see what plays out.   I’ve dreamed of this day many times.   I just thought it wo

I’ve confessed to my sponsor yesterday of my little stealing binge that I’ve been on.   I would or have taken bags of coffee from Starbucks.   I come in wearing cargo shorts and find that their bags of coffee fit perfect, especially the Reserve Roast bags into my cargo side pocket.   Why do I do this?   I don’t know if I have the answer.   I’ll try to answer it in here.   My last bag was a couple of months ago so the dust is on the crime jacket for now. First it is a little rush when I do it.   There is that boundary that I cross where my fate is tied up so finitely on such a small act that it is a small explosion of feelings going off.   Now I know that most everyone would never think twice of doing something so stupid and sometimes I wonder if I do it just to spite that knowledge.   You won’t do it or even think of it so I’m going to do it just too fine tune my separateness from you.   I walk against the red light constantly too.   I wonder why I’m getting fat when I barely exer

What has meditation done for me?   Well the main thing is it has calmed me down.   I don’t live by drama alone anymore.   I find that I can observe events going on in my life before reacting and choose how I’m going to respond.   I find the quiet time quite invigorating.   I wish I could remember time as in how long I’ve been doing it but I can say that it has been at least a year since I’ve started doing it every day.   It hasn’t help me keep up with my blogging though.   But I care about my practice and I want to learn more about it each day.   I am going to a Zen Buddhist meditation group every Sunday and I hang out with the Sangha and listen as I can.   I do a 40 minute sit with the group and really enjoy the time.   When I tried to meditate before I could only do about 2 or 3 minutes and give up fairly easily.   Not so now.   At home I do 25 minutes and feel good about that.   Someday I will shoot for an hour just to see how long I can sit.     Then I will learn about sitting

I went to Sunnyvale this weekend.   My cousin’s ex-husband died last month and I went to support her for the wake.   His name was David Price and he left two children behind.   I had known him for 20+ years on and off.   I didn’t hang out with my cousin constantly but when we did I hung out with him.   It was a rocky time when their marriage split and he didn’t have any shyness calling me to talk about it.   That was a doozy phone call, that first one.   But it’s a hairy time in someone’s life when they realize the marriage is over.   Now I can go one of two ways here, continue to talk about the wake or talk about when my marriages dissolved.   Maybe a bit of both. There was a beautiful slide show that his daughter, Ellery put together.   She had songs by Dylan, the Stones, and the Beatles paired with the pictures.   I was surprised at how many pictures he had posed for over the years.   I couldn’t help but think of my wake and thinking there’s no way they’ll come up with that m

This is what I wrote to my sponsor a year ago in a text message, "This is the truth. Maybe my brain is evolving. Coming home from the movie I saw everything I drove by. The cracks in the road, wires overhead differing in color the more distant they ran. I saw shutters, wooden window frames, people riding bikes, brown spots on lawns, rivets in the bridge, where there were breaks in chain link fences etc. It is not insignificant. I felt grateful that I was able to see and how I felt being able to see. All I did was look. I didn't judge any of it, I didn't try to label it any deeper than what each part represented. I felt that I was only a witness to the notion that I am aware enough TO see. I saw things and then those things were gone, behind me and I didn't feel anything because I kept seeing more.  What I got from that amazingly rich ride home was my feelings may not be any more or any less than images flying by. I can feel them at the very moment they fire off

Desiderata Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be critical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as pere

I chaired a meeting yesterday morning at North Hall.   It’s the LGBT meeting for Sacramento.   I don’t know why you needed to know that.   You need to know that it’s the first time that I’ve been there.   It wasn’t too bad, about 13 or 14 people.   Of course I don’t have a spiel lined up other than I wanted to talk about happiness.   How my life has been shaped by happiness, the lack thereof, the pursuit, the moments that I mistook for happiness etc.   I started by mentioning my mom’s lack of happiness and how it affected my pursuit of happiness.   You see if she wasn’t happy, she took it out on us.   In me it created a need to affect my mom so she was always happy.   OH what a responsibility to be in charge of keeping mom happy.   Nothing was predictable so she could go off in any moment and for any reason.   It’s hard to keep control of the uncontrollable.   And there are no perks for this job, I would get beaten with the coffee cord if my plans were really waylaid.   And then re

I was reading with my sponsor last night out of a book, “Letting Go Of The Person You Used To Be” by Lama Surya Das.   We were reading about loss and the author was listing off a peel of losses, one after another as if they were days on the calendar.   But the loss that cut the most was the loss of his dad.   He talked about his relationship with his dad, how close they were and how 6 years later the loss has cut across time and is just as acute now as the day he originally died.   I started reading out loud during this page and I couldn’t do it.   My voice started breaking and I could feel the tears flowing down my face.   Now my dad passed 13 years ago but there are moments when the loss is so fresh in my mind.   I kept reading despite my choppiness and got through my part.    My sponsor asked me if that was a rough spot and I nodded in agreement.   But it really got to me how fresh the wound was. I texted him later saying, “It’s a hell of a thing to have your dad die in your ar