Today I did a thirty minute sit. I felt some pain meander in and I thought I will treat this with meditation. My readings say sit with the pain, embrace the pain. Don’t avoid, avoid aversion. I think my whole life has been aversion to pain, so much so, that I don’t know exactly when I’m in it and when I’m not. Ok there are lots of instances when I know but those are symptoms of a much deeper pain. That’s what I’ve been working on these past few years. First with pill popping and we all know how well that works. It just makes the pain BIGGER! Hah! But I lied to myself that it felt good on that train to derail the pain. Of course with the AA head I would always feel guilty because everyone knows I’m an addict and everyone knows I’m supposed to stay clean. I would take on that guilt and increase it by multitudes of degrees until I got to loser stage. Every fucking time. And the original pain? Untouched by anything positive. Just dumped on the ammo pile