Day 258 Brewing Up Some Trouble

I’ve confessed to my sponsor yesterday of my little stealing binge that I’ve been on.  I would or have taken bags of coffee from Starbucks.  I come in wearing cargo shorts and find that their bags of coffee fit perfect, especially the Reserve Roast bags into my cargo side pocket.  Why do I do this?  I don’t know if I have the answer.  I’ll try to answer it in here.  My last bag was a couple of months ago so the dust is on the crime jacket for now.

First it is a little rush when I do it.  There is that boundary that I cross where my fate is tied up so finitely on such a small act that it is a small explosion of feelings going off.  Now I know that most everyone would never think twice of doing something so stupid and sometimes I wonder if I do it just to spite that knowledge.  You won’t do it or even think of it so I’m going to do it just too fine tune my separateness from you.  I walk against the red light constantly too.  I wonder why I’m getting fat when I barely exercise.  Why do these things happen in me?  Why do I have to be different than you?  I don’t want to flaunt my childhood in adulthood but I do with such alacrity that it’s alarming.

I did get caught stealing in 4^th grade.  It was in Wonderworld and I was filling up a bag with pencils, pens, erasers, a real accountant’s dream bag of goodies.  I got caught in the store, not even going out.  They called my mom, the warhorse and she came and picked me up.  Not after a little shaming session in the back rooms of the store of course.  Then my mom put me on restriction for the entire summer.  What a rip off!  The time totally was out of line for the crime.  I can’t imagine the consequences if I got caught stealing now.  It would be totally shameful and embarrassing.  But it didn’t stop me from doing it.  In fact it felt like a little dare.  I dared myself to take them while imagning what the consequences would be.  It made the act a little more brazen and the rush that much more bigger.

But I don’t want to be singled out by myself anymore.  I don’t want to be that victim, that victim that feels entitled to take shit that isn’t mine.  I don’t deserve it, I don’t need it and I can afford to pay for it.  For Christ’s sake, what is going on here?  Am I backsliding into childhood and trying to reclaim a bit of the glory I missed?  Sometimes I get so isolated in my head from reality.  When I show up for work and do what I’m supposed to do on the job I feel a bit like a robot and I’m just following a cosmic script of what you’re supposed to do as an adult.  It doesn’t feel real.  I’m not saying I don’t like my job but it’s just one of those things where I feel caught up in a cipher that really doesn’t have true meaning in the real journey of my life.  There’s no spiritual connection other than I’m not doing anything during the day.  Hell left to my own devices I’m afraid that that’s all I would do if I didn’t have a job is do nothing.  Sometimes weekends frighten the crap out of me because I don’t have anything planned and I hate, just hate having to hang out alone for one more damn weekend.  No wonder I want to spark something up.  Give myself some talking points when I have a meeting with myself.  What do I want to do to improve myself this week?  Huh?  Quit stealing, how’s that for starters.

I think what’s shaking out of this is that I’m dealing with a bit of loneliness.  I have friends but they all seem to be in relationships and I don’t call them because of that.  I’m not sure of the mechanics of why I don’t call but I may not want to be a third wheel or want to be reminded so often that I’m a single guy.  Every morning when I make my breakfast and sit down alone to eat I sometimes think of my friends who are married or together and wonder what they talk about in the morning over THEIR breakfast.  I’m not trying to garner self-pity, I’m just telling you like it is in my head.  The more I think of being in a relationship and how long I haven’t been in one, I feel gun shy.  I’m almost at the point of I don’t want to be in a relationship because of the habits I’ve developed being single for such a long time.  I’m not sure what this has to do with bags of coffee finding their way into my pockets.  It will foster a lot of self-talk when I do it so maybe it’s just a conversation starter with myself.  Keep myself occupied during the long stretch of singlenessness.  I make up words too sometimes.

For now I have stopped most foolishness.  I have found that the consequences of such short sightedness are too great for me to bear.  It is okay to whip out my debit card and pay like the other 99% of the population and feel good about it.  I was stuck though for a few months and wanted to know why.  Maybe I’ve struck a bit of gold in this blog and can look at my behavior in a more compassionate way.  It’s okay to be single and it is not a moral issue.  It’s just the way it is.  But some woman out there is sure missing out on a great guy!  Well 98% great.

1.  I'm grateful that I never got caught.  Whew.
2.  I'm grateful that I've stopped being unlawful.
3.  I'm grateful that I have some dignity and strength of character to face my shortcomings.