Today I did a thirty minute sit. I felt some pain meander in and I thought I
will treat this with meditation. My
readings say sit with the pain, embrace the pain. Don’t avoid, avoid aversion. I think my whole life has been aversion to
pain, so much so, that I don’t know exactly when I’m in it and when I’m
not. Ok there are lots of instances when
I know but those are symptoms of a much deeper pain. That’s what I’ve been working on these past
few years. First with pill popping and
we all know how well that works. It just
makes the pain BIGGER! Hah! But I lied to myself that it felt good on
that train to derail the pain. Of course
with the AA head I would always feel guilty because everyone knows I’m an
addict and everyone knows I’m supposed to stay clean. I would take on that guilt and increase it by
multitudes of degrees until I got to loser stage. Every fucking time. And the original pain? Untouched by anything positive. Just dumped on the ammo pile for the next
trip. But I’ve been learning. I’ve been learning not to pop pills for any
reason (at least the high making pills) and I don’t feel guilty. Simple suggestion for a simple problem. That doesn’t take care of the pain
though. And inevitably I would go
through some pain. Usually behind women
and my relationships with them. The
choices I would make for what women I would want. The results of those choices boomeranging
back into my face when I least expected it.
Just the usual, one gal and a gang of problems. No haggling over price, I would always pay
the same price.
These last days before turning 60 don’t automatically give
me mad skills in living life pretty and productively. I’m just detailing them more than I usually
do. So there was this girl that I had a
crush on for an instant and she didn’t respond at all. Or she would make some noises that I would
completely misinterpret because I was in that mode. I was in the mode, not her. I did my
suffering in silence, sat with my pain retardedly because I didn’t have any
idea what that meant. But really it was
only a week long thing so no harm no foul, right? Right.
That’s how it was. My first
instinct was to be stand offish to her but I realized she didn’t do anything
wrong. She was just being who she was
but now she had to deal with the changing personality of Chris. What’s with that? Being certain places that I wanted to be at
were at the same places that she wanted to be at and I would always run into
her. There was no schedule for when I
had to deal with any of that pain, because there is no schedule for that. Unless you isolate at home to prevent any
contact and I don’t want that shit anymore.
So sitting with the pain taught me that she was human, as much as I
was. I didn’t make my intentions clear
as I usually do. I just act in a
different way to see what her reactions may be and go from there. Not a solid plan but it’s mostly what I’ve
done my whole life. Test the water baby,
with a little toe and then stick a bigger toe in and then rock the planet by opening
my mouth. This was just a toe settling
in period.
During these times that I ran into her I had to act natural
because I don’t want to be a dick.
Especially since the insight I gained told me she had no idea of my
intentions. I found out she is a really
unique person and I don’t have to date her to like her. I can just like her for the person she is and
not have to pour any other emotion into it.
I can still spend time with her as a friend and still get the benefit of
having her as company. And she is good company.
I don’t have any hidden agenda when I’m engaging her in conversation and
it’s all natural. There’s not any goofy
awkwardness when I am talking to her because my emotions are tottering or
doddering, whatever it is at my age. I
actually act natural and we get along fine.
I don’t find myself wondering why I said that or that later on in the
day. The kind of stuff that happens at
the beginning of relationships. The time
from the moment that I have no chance and to the moment of friendship talking,
I am okay. I don’t suffer from self
doubt, I don’t suffer from being left out, I don’t suffer from lack. I might occasionally wonder what it would be
like if we were a couple but it’s only a thought not a fantasy. And not a dragging fantasy that brings me
down.
I know this all sounds like a 13 year balancing testosterone
for the first time, but it is still a thing with me. I try to play it down that I’m single but it’s
something you can’t force, it’s something that just is no matter what you want
or think you want. I make choices of
which women turn me on and then start the judging tornado and guessing game. I mean I’m pretty honest in making my
intentions known but it has to be a couple of dates in. Then there is the conversation that I have to
have disclosing my mental aberration.
That’s always good for a few laughs.
But it’s traumatizing to me to think about. I’ve lost potential “women” over this
conversation and I don’t blame them.
They just are caught up in the stigma and may not realize what it is for
each different person.
I’m not a bad guy, in fact I think I would be a good
catch. It just seems infinitely
impossible with the good choices that I run into or rather don’t run into. Now they’re too young on top of all the other
little ditties. If she’s not 50 then
forget it. There’s a lot of interesting
woman at a lot of different ages but I feel I have to cut off that demographic
because of the span. It’s not fair! Even 50 is too young, really. Maybe the deadline is 52 now but that goes up
each year. I’m not on the internet
looking for dates either. There’s just
something inherently wrong about that for me.
I’ve done it before and “found” a woman but it proved to be too much way
too soon. It kind of burned my fingers
from that source. Maybe a meetup group
wouldn’t be a bad way to go. “Old people
going on Wheelchair hikes” or something.
I was leading up to something but I got sidetracked by my
mood and my multitude of thoughts. Yes
there is a woman I like and was hoping I could sidetrack into dating for a
while. When you think of desire and
dating somebody, what time period do you think of anyway? It’s not like each relationship is going to
last forever and with that in mind, you prepare yourself emotionally for something
short of that. But how short? Your mind is set so when something weird or
negative comes up, you wonder is this it?
Is that the end or is it just a bump in the road? How much do you fight for the
relationship? Knowing there is an
expiration sometimes you just give up the ship prematurely just to save the
inevitable heartache that’s in store now or for sure, later. And how do you do that respectfully or
maturely? It’s a good part guessing that
this is the argument that’s going to end it or not. It doesn’t have to be an argument, just
something that doesn’t ring true in your head. You don’t know. You don’t know if you’re on the same
path. You’re sure you don’t want to
prolong the wait because of said expiration date. You know I don’t know what I’m talking
about. I haven’t’ been in a secure long
term relationship since we walked on the moon.
I think I’m just a natural fraidy cat when it comes to coming clean in a
relationship. In my mind I can do
it. In the past I have done it but I
think this age thing has cut too close to the heart right now.
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