Day 4 - Ulysses Cell

Today's epic battle picks up at one cell.  I'm not sure which one.  It's definitely the one that starts everything. And it is one and one only that starts everything.  The surge of thought, the touch, the sight, the smell and the taste.  I'm sure there are sub-sonic senses that are happening that we're not aware of too.  But it's the first cell that starts it all in motion.  So when I think of Winnow (my former girlfriend), a bolt of lightning lights up this particular multi-mini-microscopic organism.  Just the one cell.  KABLAM!  It goes fat with excitement (or dread depending on the type of lightning) just enough to bump the cell next door.  Now there are two cells provoked.  Which is where this incredible math comes in.  2 bump 4, 4 bump 16, 16 bump 100 trillion, you get the picture.  The momentum started by that little bitty cell has my full attention wired for action.  If the initial thought is pure and whole, it's entirety is focused on seeing her, the charge and output produced is truly dynamic and in the depth of miracles it may be and usually is so far removed from our normal consciousness.  It just happens.  Wondrously, it just happens.

What has happened is simple cause and effect.  Simple in it's purity and subunconsciousnessly, (remember, I make up my own words) divinely inversely unrelated to anything we can pretend to understand in purpose.  I can't even understand what I just wrote it's so dumbfounding.  I feel there is some divinity in that spark though. Now what happens if the cell that drew the short straw that morning is tired?  Or dying?  Or just a bitter cell?  What sort of bumping is it going to grind out?  What if that mother fucker cell is just plain shitty and is going to fuck your day up no matter what comes along?  I know the brain cells are the importers of function and maybe just the boss cells in the end.  But in the dark, when you reach out to your lover, your pillow or your iPhone, that one cell that makes first contact is THAT cell.  What if it reports in, "Uh...nothing hear to report, wait, what?  Holy shit that's a tiger in my bed!"  What if THAT cells turns on you?  The brain is going to do whatever it has to do to protect you from the tiger.

The fatigued cell pumping or rather finger tapping out a low voltage signal, z, z, z, z, z, z.  Not every cell down the line wants to be on board for that weak action, hell no.  We're just going to sit here and wait for some real stuff.  We're action cells and that's what we want.  Not so with every cell I'm afraid.  The alley cells, the sit in the back of the room cells, the cells with the mortality clock ticking louder and louder, they'll pick it up.  They'll take any action.  Soon the tidal wave of apathy overwhelms the hordes and the blahth rolls in and takes over everything.  Even the action cells are groaning because they can't mount a force strong enough to counter.  The low burn of the fizzle is now a luminescent sizzle and you're sinking in the funk.  I just rolled over to see my phone and now what?  She didn't call?  She didn't text?  Is that a tiger biting my ass?  I can't tell the difference right now.  THAT one cell.

What this tells me is that all my cells are divine beings.  I can't let them bugger off on their own and trip the fight fantastic and fuck my whole state of mind.  Trust me there are days when all it takes is a glance or an alleged "text" tone and I'm off to the Druids for company.  There are also days when a curl of a smile, a scent of assent can override all the delinquents and square them up in 3 piece suits and I'm riding high as a sky line pilot.  These are the extremes my little condition allows me to pursue, voluntary or not.  If I don't keep the pilot light lit and the thermostat on auto pilot I can expect to map a course all over the global map.  I think that's why they give me the meds.  Keep my cells in a slightly stuporous state for them to hobble together enough electricity to fool most of the cells into some tasty action slightly less dangerous than being safari bait but close enough to swinging monkeys on chandeliers.  Maybe not the best direction but it's what I have to get me places other than insane or just worn out.



I've been reading books on Buddhism recently.  I've been working with a sponsor in AA recently.  I've been seeing a wonderful therapist recently.  I just departed recently from a year of attending DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) classes.  I've changed up a lot of the meds I've been on for years (with my psych's approval) and have noticed a remarkable change.  When I go on these trips now, I'm aware of what's going on.  Sometimes I can't stop from being swept up in that moment but I'm AWARE of the moment.  I alluded to this earlier living in 3 different worlds instead of dying in a dozen ones.  I'm challenging my cells to living differently.  I'm eating more like a human being instead of a pig.  I walk with intent most every day.  I'm discovering moments where I can actually sit down and meditate.  Really.  Meditate and my body actually does NOT move for 20 minutes or more.  That is itself a mini-miracle.  I read material that is based on healthy modes of living.  I'm being more present at home, I make my bed every day.  The bed I go to sleep in every night at a decent hour.  Now if I'm not sitting on THAT one cell now since I've been typing this entry I have a chance of a great day.


1.   I'm grateful for the healthy awareness that I find slowly seeping into my life.
2.   I'm grateful for Winnow still finding me pleasing.
3.   I'm grateful for having the tools and using the tools to clean my house.