The topic is supposed to be innocence, wonder, impression,
joy, doubtlessness, whatever adjective, adverb that is the opposite of
confusion, fear, impotence, irritation, frustration, etc. You get the picture. My teenage years in Germany set the pattern for
many years to come. The availability of
drugs and alcohol was so easy to acquire and the dramatic effects so beautiful
to long for, it was no wonder I wanted to be Peter Pan for life. And I did.
And I was. I don’t know how
addled the minds were of the friends I hung out with, I just assumed they were
just as mushed as mine. It’s a condition
called fishbowl living. If you’re in the
fishbowl everything looks the same on the outside from the inside. I did not have the ability to form an
independent sense of self. It was
frankly too frightening. I wasn’t
allowed to be much of anybody at home with all the trouble I found myself
in. My parents were too far out of reach
for any “heart to hearts” and my brothers were always engaged in their own battles
to find any depth with them.
Is this my fault? No,
I don’t believe it is. Is it my parents fault? To a degree I think it is. I believe military families is a word that
should never have made it into the English language. Maybe military wife/husband and stop the pain
at that point. I can say today that my
mom, my dad had their demons too and acted out of some weird script of what a
parent should be, but they should have purchased a script written in
English.
I can’t tell you what my school life was like as I don’t
remember too much. I’ve been suspended
every year since 7th grade, I remember that. I got in a fist fight with a Biology teacher
because he accused me of stealing. My
stuff was fragile yet explosive. I must
have had a thin line of what it was that I was supposed to do or to be. A thread that always was present but in the
haze of battle it was too microscopic for me to follow. I couldn’t even tell my brothers what a good
job they did in anything unless I was told to do so. The parameters of being social were off
planet and probably off solar system.
With that, the gravity of finding yourself is so crushing, that it all
balls up into a meteor crashing into your heart and your little mind all day
long. The self-absorption is total. To get a word out to a girl that you find her
cute is like taking out a continent with a tsunami. It just doesn’t happen.
You get up in the morning, per yelling to get ready. You get ready, you adjust to the system and
you do what you have to do to just get out of the fucking house. You go to school, you experiment with the
other humans and try to notice their reactions and how different they are from
you. Instead of accepting their differences
you realize that you are less than; a loser.
That’s what happens when you swing that sword with no purpose. You kill the wrong person. The wound that is you festers and weakens you
to desperation. Even your closest
friends don’t know the pain because you don’t have the ability to put it in
words. It just comes out in
actions. You act. You perform.
Just like at home. You’ve been doing it for so long that it just
comes naturally. They think you’re a little
weird, fun in a funny way and they accept you for that. But the moment you want to make a word count,
to say something that comes from the mineshaft deep down in the depths of your
heart, i.t. d.o.e.s. n.o.t. h.a.p.p.e.n.
That’s where the drugs come in.
Whooo. Thank god for getting
wasted.
Recreational drug use?
Hah! Too limited. I took to getting loaded like water on fish
(stupid). It was an aha moment, it was a
vacation from the thinking that never stopped in my brain. I could feel some weird attachment to the
people around me and say the things that I never knew I could say. I could be the Knight Galahad to all the
young princesses, I could be a prince to the pawns around me or I could just be
Chris and chill out for a little while.
Christ, I didn’t want the high to stop.
I felt like I could see that thread that always beckoned me to follow
but now I knew better. Now I was higher,
metaphysically, than ever before and knew what path to beat down. Get high, be high and stay high. Remember this is from a brain of a 15 year
old when I made this discovery. I had dabbled
in the alcohol high at 13 and was whisked away to that state but the warhorse
made it too tough to continue in that vein.
Not now, I was bolder, stronger and had a purpose. I could finally be myself. My masculinity question was not answered, it
was only related to. It was my Sword in the
Stone moment. I didn’t have to go
through the process, I just pulled the sword out and I was a man in my own
right. The sword had no luster, no light, it was nicked
and notched, scratched and bent but it was my sword. I didn’t have my Merlin to whisper the
secrets of manhood into my ear but I didn’t need him now. (to be continued)
1.
I’m grateful for the friends I have in my life
today.
2.
I’m grateful I found somebody on Facebook today.
3.
I’m grateful that I have found most of myself today.
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