It’s Thursday, the 28th of May and today I’m
getting my front door measured. I
ordered a new door, one with lots of windows to let the glorious light of day
fill my living room. I have a fireplace
right in the middle of my room that if I had my druthers I would remove and put
a window there. But the resale value is
there with a fireplace. Drat. Plus I’ve seen how dusty it can get to remove
a fireplace so my funky burning pit will stay and the new front door will have
to illuminate what I want to see for now and all I want to see is
daylight!
I’ve been riding my bike this month. May is bike month and my job makes a big deal
out of it. Which is good as it got me
hooked. I have 271 miles logged on as a
result of falling for it. Not bad for an
old broke dick man, eh? Yesterday I rode
21 miles and it was fast and hard. I
breathed hard the entire way. Kept
saying to myself that I would slow down when I got to that tree or the next
corner but the stamina kept up and I rode it hard the whole way. I was pretty proud of myself after I got
home. I want to break the 300 mile
barrier before the end of the month.
Last year I pledged 150 miles and barely squeaked past that finish line
so this year I’m going to double it.
My weight has started escalating and I’m attributing it to
muscle mass. I’m afraid to measure my
waist as I think the gain is both. Too
many carbs up top and muscle mass in my legs.
I mean I still have my svelte 007 manly looks if you can imagine 007 at
60. What are going to do? People at work bring in cookies, donuts and
other pastry like victims that I love to torture and eventually gobble
down. I tell them (in my silent secret
voice) to stop bringing that stuff in because I just can’t say no. Now my job allows me to venture forth from my
cube so I do get a lot of activity during the day. I walk a minimum of 3 miles per day on the
job and sometimes it hits 5 miles. Some
days I get out and just walk the neighborhood to take a long break. There have been days that I’ve broken the 10
mile marker walking as well. So it’s not
for a lack of trying. My cholesterol is
high according to my doctor so my diet is suspect as well. I’m not a good candidate for a Reader’s
Digest story on the strength of character to attend to all the right things to
diet down and get this thing under control.
I just need a personal nutritionist is all. Is that too much to ask for? A wife or girlfriend
to motivate me to keep cooking the good low carb stuff. I made a low carb meatloaf the other day
and then I make meat loaf sandwiches for leftovers smothered with mayonnaise. I think that defeats the idea of what I’m doing. Argh!
What’s making a big impact on my life in a positive way is
learning about Buddhism. I asked a
friend who calls himself a Buddhist why and how he can call himself a
Buddhist. Do you need confirmation or
something similar? He said you can call
yourself a Buddhist anytime you want. So
I’m making it official, I’m a Buddhist.
I read every day out of Buddhist books, meditate every day and try to
effect a change that is in line with Buddhism thinking. I attend a Sangha on Sunday nights, I’ve
hiked with a Buddhist group. It was cool.
We sat next to a waterfall and each found a comfortable spot in the
weeds to sit and then do a 20 minute sit in nature. It was delightful. My AA sponsor and I are working out of a book
called, “The Tao of Sobriety” which is Buddha nature inspired. Now I don’t sit under a Bodhi tree at night
when I get home but if I had one I would.
It’s such an inspiring path to aspire too. No dogma, no church, no daily prayers so to
speak. The meditation is so
refreshing. I don’t spaz out for 20 to
40 minutes straight. In itself that is a
joy. My body not moving at all, no
fidgeting, no rocking, just sitting and steady breathing. I haven’t levitated
yet but I’m working on it.
I made a decision a couple of weeks ago to stop going to my
Bipolar group. It was the result of a
misunderstanding but it humiliated me in a way that opened old wounds and the
decision initially came out of that moment.
I was texted yesterday by a friend who wanted to know if I would come in
and facilitate a room because Joe was out of town. I immediately refused. Now when I immediately refuse something, a
reactive nature is in play. Shoot first,
ask questions later kind of thing. So I
thought about my answer later. Not much
but I did think a bit about it. Why didn’t
I want to go in and help? I know I’ve
gotten a lot of help from going to that group.
I had planned to ride my bike prior and I knew it would take up the time
to go to the pre meeting social gathering.
I just didn’t want to go period.
I have put a lot of myself into that group and have gotten a lot out of
it. When I feel deprecated or slightly
humiliated, with my sensitive nature, I back off and treat it like a snake in the
woods. Now Joe did reach out and
apologize but it was through Facebook and I thought it was worthy of a phone
call. Now I’m splitting hairs. But really, it should have been a phone call
for the nature of what we are supposed to be to each other. That burned a little bit into more of a
resentment that will keep me away just that much longer. I know that if I go in it will be on my mind
and I won’t be able to separate how I feel from the miracle of what is
allegedly going on in the rooms. It’s just
my nature right now. My plan is too
write about it inventory style and get to the root of this dilemma. My job is forcing
me to quit my 6 – 3 shift and go to an 8-5 shift. I feel that there are too many outside forces
dictating what my life’s times should be spent doing and maybe that is part of
it. I don’t like being forced into shit
that I have carefully built up and built my life around. The job thing is very disturbing and number
one in brain occupied thoughts.
My mental health is doing well. I’ve been dealing with triggers better than
before. I’ve been staying straight and
the struggle to use is weakening more and more each day. It’s all good. I enjoy going to AA meetings and have
actually felt that I’m part of the group as a whole. I rarely journal in meetings which is a huge
change. I usually would only journal in
meetings so all people saw was me writing furiously in a journal and if I got
called on I would just pass. I did write
a lot though! I’ve been working with a
sponsor religiously this last 1 ½ years and that is news. We have a good working relationship and I
have found myself doing all that he asks to do.
As a result the phenomenon of using has diminished greatly. I found myself wanting to get high this past
Saturday. No reason, the thought just
popped up in my head and it fucked with me for an hour. I just fought it with, “No, not right now,
later” thoughts and before I knew it, I was in bed, safe and sober for another
night. The battle seems small but it
wasn’t and I’m proud once again to have slain another dragon in the daily fight
to stay north of loaded.
1. I'm grateful for my precious sobriety.
2. I'm grateful for my introduction into Buddhism.
3. I'm grateful for the friends I have in my life, close and nation wide.
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