Last night was interesting.
I was in therapy, yes, therapy and I just lost it. What triggered it was
a simple statement from somebody chairing a meeting the other day. He said he grew up in a normal home with
loving parents and was given everything that he needed as a child and
teenager. Geez. I can’t relate to that
at all. I can’t put my finger on it, I can’t
wrap my mind around that, I can’t understand what that could possibly
mean. I don’t have any relevance to that
kind of life at all. None, nada,
dope. I had the childhood of a wolf
living in the back of the cave. It’s not
like missing Chem 1A and going oops, I have to retake that class to get credit,
no, it’s missing a whole lifetime of youth.
Right, you only live once, you’re only young once, you don’t get that
back. I don’t want my youth back, hell
no, but his statement really bugged me and I’m trying to figure out why.
One thing is my knee jerk reaction is that he’s
fibbing. It wasn’t ALL that good. How could it be? There’s always a clash when hormones start
surging. Even so, it wouldn’t have
amounted to a life time of insecurities, merciless shame from such a short
period of growth. I guess you can fight
your parents and still love them. Once
again, an example of something I’ll never know.
Or have the capacity to understand.
My parents were my nemesis like the Penguin and Batman but without the
respect. No, we didn’t fight fair
because I lost every fight before it started.
I was never right and how dare I challenge the rules.
When I say my parents I’m mostly talking about the warhorse,
my mom. My dad was either not there
physically or not there emotionally. I’m
also not whining as I know the time is past and there is nothing to be done
other than look forward to today and
make the most of it as it rolls by. I
get that. I’m human though and once in a
while a trigger gets past my guard and takes me down, one punch to the chin
down. I realize that the work I’ve done
to overcome such a shitty beginning is work.
And it’s work and it’s daily and it’s nonstop. There are no mandated breaks because my mind
will pursue the path least travelled and I can find myself in a fit in zero
time. That’s the rub, the nonstop work. I get tired of trying to hit normal every day. For years as an alcoholic I thought it was
just normal to be a loser and live a life of shame and guilt and zero
compassion for the mistakes I made daily.
I would pine for relationships just so I could focus on someone else for
a bit instead of just me. I don’t know
if that is narcissism, maybe some twisted form because I didn’t think of myself
solely because I was some kind of super star.
I know what else is bugging me, Facebook and all of its
swarmy Happy Mother’s Day crap. I can appreciate that there is a lot of love
out there between kids and parents but I’m not one of them. I would like to put my feelings out there on
what Mother’s Day means to me. Thanks to
all the moms that didn’t destroy childhoods so I can have some normal
friends. God, thank you. Thank you mom for making sure my destiny is
to always live a life examined. To
always stay alert to waning feelings so they don’t drown in depression by
sinking too far. To never having a day to myself where some wandering notion
doesn’t come down the pike saying kill yourself, your life is shit. Thanks for the genetic wiring that has
convinced the psychiatric world that I’m bipolar with no hope for a cure but
just lifelong treatment with a hospital visit always beckoning. Yeah thanks for that too.
I almost got into a conversation with my wonderful therapist
(god bless her) about unconditional love. Am I able to harness that angelic
quality for anybody that comes into my life?
I think I have it for my son, Ry as I would always love him no matter
his situation. I may get mad at him but
I would love him anyway. I think I
learned with my parents that to fight was to hate. There was never a resolution, just ammo for
the next fight.
But what about for me?
Will I ever have someone feel that way for me? Yeah, why not me? I’ve been through 2 marriages and the splits
didn’t help with my confidence that I was truly in line for that handout. I really felt lost, bereft, cataclysmically left
out of the human condition during the time of reconstruction. After the 2nd marriage broke up it
was soon after that I found myself in a mental hospital on a 72 lock down. Everything mental broke that morning. There seemed to surely not be a fix this
time. It took years of denying my mental
instability, my years of getting by superficially with anyone/everyone, years
of playing human before I finally got caught.
That was my payoff. 5150 and on
meds for life. All this because of a mix
up as a child. I just wanted to be
loved. Was that too much to ask for as a
6 month old infant? The wonder I experienced as a child was surviving another
day when I went to bed at night to rock myself violently to sleep.
1.
I’m grateful that I don’t rock myself to sleep
at night. I just don’t sleep.
2.
I’m grateful for the gift of meditation today.
3.
I’m grateful that I don’t know my future or how
much longer I have to put up with this life.
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