Soul mate. From
whence did these words come? Actually it
was about 1,000 years ago when courtly love was introduced into the western
world. Before that it was probably
arranged marriages and you grew into love or great like with your mate. But courtly love was a different beast
altogether. The symbolism was the
pairing of the feminine and the masculine in the mind creating a balanced
union, a spiritual connection, peace with your interior and exterior world. I know I know, I’ve been reading Jungian psychology
but it’s been calling out to me for the past 30 years and I think it has
merit. The idea being that it was
carried out on a mental level, never to be carried on a physical level. When the projection of romance fades (and it
always does), if you are still in love with the flesh and blood woman in front
of you than my hats off to you. I have
been fascinated by long term relationships my whole life. My parents being the first one I witnessed
and what I witnessed was pretty close to a horror show. Really, I would use their relationship as a
flag ship model for what NOT to do and why NOT to stay together. Funny thing, I never learned what to do
though.
Is it a twist of fate, a certain destiny that keeps a couple
together for decades? I realize there is
compromise and sacrifice, give and pull, respect and regard and all of
that. But where does it come from? How do you know when you in the middle of
compromise number 459 that this is the one?
Do you tell yourself, well, she is it for me no matter what? It’ll never get any better. Or I’ve spent this many years compromising,
I’m damned if I’m going to do it again for someone else. I’m too old to start over again. Or maybe from a different tack, I’m no
bargain myself and if she can put up with me I surely can put up with her. Oh how I value that maturity.
My mind created illusion of “me, myself and I” always had an
internal dialogue of, “once she gets to know the real me, it’s over.” I would
suffer the compromise with aplomb and hope to move on to the next event. Maybe that was the issue, waiting for the next
event to happen. Instead of just
enjoying the now. I’m just grasping at
straws as all of my relationships are over.
Kaput. I’ve ended them, they’ve
ended them. Some shut down with a modicum
of maturity and some shut down with a morass of more ass. I would head them off way before the pass
when the news would come in that there might be a long term stability feature
built in. That’s not the only
reason. I would always dream that
something better was waiting for me.
Some psychologists probably have wet dreams to examine that
process. No matter how good I felt,
there was always one cell that would say, “Hey, I heard that ….” That would be it. The mind would start to wander. I guess I’m just not psychologically built to
handle that long term activity. Oh there
was all the usual stuff, didn’t have a 4 year degree, owed money on bills, didn’t
own a house for the most part, etc. My
idea of traveling is to go visit my cousins and not some exotic island or
country on the planet. I could eat at
the same restaurant every week because I liked the atmosphere and why would I
go somewhere else then? I know I like
this place so hell yeah, let’s go there again.
A creature of habit. I’m not
saying I’m a true Archie Bunker, I’m willing to try new things but I could be
completely satisfied with things the way they were.
I’ve been married twice and wanted to be married many times
more. But for what real reasons? My first wife was truly my soul mate. Those two words that I couldn’t shake. We had the same appreciation for each other’s
humor. We enjoyed each other’s company
no matter where we ended up. We cared for
each other and I wanted nothing other than the best for her. I ached for her happiness. We were in school and knew a lot of nights
would be home based and studying. I
liked that and was satisfied. It was my
first true love in sobriety and everything was new. Everything was now real for the first
time. One day built upon another day and
another day. I started projecting to the
future and didn’t know how it would pan out in the end. What if I didn’t finish school? I wasn’t that motivated anyway but I did it
regardless. What if I ended up just
being a working stiff and her a high fashioned business woman? Could we be compatible then? Or a thousand other different mutations, it
didn’t matter. The future started
proving too much for me to bear. We had
a kid so I felt she was trapped either way and I didn’t want a hostage. I let the future create its own monster of
its own volition and I fell under the spell.
I started feeling wanderlust, like taking my chances elsewhere before
the heat burned us both up. I’m not
painting a pretty picture of myself but I’m just putting down what was going on
in my mind, what happens when I did get into a long term relationship. I loved my wife like no other, I loved my son
and I loved that I had a family. I just
couldn’t love myself enough to believe I deserved this unconditional love from
outside myself. I couldn’t do it inside
myself first and foremost and that naturally flowed to distrusting the process
from that point onward. Or outward. I couldn’t find that intimate trust for my
actions, I couldn’t find that functioning human being that was accepted by
others no matter what I thought. I
thought I was judged solely on my actions, my future inactions and not on the
beautiful man I was on the inside if I could just let him stretch and unleash
himself from myself. I didn’t have the
tool to unscrew him. So I stayed
screwed.
Our marriage ended for so many reasons, some that were
incontrovertible and could not be reversed.
Some reasons were born out of my crazy imagination of how things would
have ended up if I let her stay with me any longer. I lost something of myself in that
separation. I couldn’t tell you what it
was as I wasn’t sure myself. But it was
the future. The future you have when you
live one day at a time like each day is the last. Maybe that’s what soul mates are meant to
be. To discover that happiness is just
being, just being together in the moment.
That no plans need to be made to create happiness that it already just
is. That souls play and enjoy the game
for no other reason than to just play.
1.
I’m grateful that I have time today to reflect
on my history and learn.
2.
I’m grateful that I still have my first wife in
my life as a good friend.
3.
I’m grateful for that first marriage and all the
good that came out of it.
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