Not much longer now.
33 days until I go over to the 60 side of life. Today I’m sick so my outlook is a bit
jaded. So many people around me are
retiring from work and here I sit, older than half of them but still coming to
work every day. It’s not a total drag
but it’s not a joyful celebration either.
I have to engage in games with the team “lead”. He does not want to do his work so he pushes
if off on me in the name of load balancing.
Hah! Granted there isn’t a lot of
work to be done as I do it as it comes in but I still don’t want to do his work
so he can do his brand of nothing. That’s
my high light of what’s going on in my life.
That’s not what is important though. I am circling the depression zone, getting
stuck on thoughts, ruminating a bit, languishing in perceived loneliness. All the things I promised myself I wouldn’t
do. Yet here I am. My therapist asked me if I wanted to try
eHarmony for a hook up. I told her I
have nothing to offer and she laughed. “Let
that be their opinion, not yours!” But I
don’t want to think that a date will pull me out of this crap. I think that
there must me more to do but I am not finding the energy to do what I must.
I wake up at 6:10 and immediately feed my cat. Then I reach for the Cheerio’s and pour
myself a bowl of cereal. Some days I cut
a banana into my bowl and some days I don’t.
Swallow my vitamins and then groom myself for the day. Shave, wet my hair and brush it. Nice and silver hair plastered to my head. Into the bedroom and decision time as to what
shirt will still fit and which one should I wear. All of my pants are too small but I squeeze
into them anyway. Need my shirt tail to
be long so I can wear it over my belt line.
Betty will occasionally walk in and I get to pet her for a couple of minutes. Got to give love to my cat. I rarely bring
lunch so that chore is meaningless. Grab
a yogurt or some trail mix only. Then
out to the car and off on my 1 mile commute to the train station. I get to work an hour early so I can park
safely downtown and not have to walk to the train station. God forbid I walk a mile in the morning. I like having my car downtown though, it
gives me some kind of control. I get to
work and don my headphones and listen to monks chanting for a 20 minute
mediation. I know it’s weird to mediate
at work but I’ve been doing it for some time now and it feels natural. Then to Posey’s for my daily cup of
coffee. It’s not the best coffee in the
world but I like it and I like the owners of the shop. Then I settle in to a day of inanity. It’s been slow recently so I have little to
do. I try to scare up some work so I’m
not just sitting here but that’s what I do.
Thank god for Kindle and my vast library. I will start reading and just get lost in a
book while monitoring the queue for any work coming my way.
That’s it. I come
home and check my special sites for the latest TV shows or movies that have
come out and download them. Put them in
my media player so they’re ready for prime time in my living room. I’ll fix something to eat and start watching
TV. I might watch for a couple of hours,
maybe longer. Then I’ll take my night
time meds and lay down and ready out of a real book for 30 minutes or so. I pray that I will fall asleep and shut down
my lights and get cozy in my familiar bed.
Betty will pop up to get some petting action in before I pass out. I like that about her, she is so loving and
friendly like that. For a cat she is
pretty attentive. Then she moves down
the bed to do her cat thing for the night.
That’s it for most of the nights.
I have therapy Monday night, sponsee Tuesday night, dinner with friends Wednesday
night, my sponsor on Thursday night and then I hang out with Valentino Friday
night. So I do a couple of things during
the week to break up the monotony. What
is there to offer in all of that?
Weekends are a chore to get through, god if retirement is anything like
my weekends, I’ll stay on the job thank you.
I get that this is a season and I’m in the thick of it. I know it isn’t my future but it’s such a big
now that it can be overwhelming at times.
I hate it and I hate feeling this way.
I just finished the last major drug I was taking for my alleged bipolar
and my brain is going through some wicked adjustments. I think this is part of the transition and it’s
something that I have to gut out. I don’t
want to turn 60 feeling this way.
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