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Day 73 A Life Examined


My friend told me the other day that I live an examined life.  I’ve heard the phrase before, or some form of it but I do live the life examined.  It’s not for the faint of heart.  I’ve heard that phrase before too.  What does it mean to me?  It started 30 years ago when I decided I had enough of the boozin’ life and decided to give AA a try.  But that was just the start.  There is a potential in AA to really examine your life and turn it around.  But I got hung up on the aspect of alcohol being the driving force behind all your exhortation.  Before the booze I was a sick person.  Sick with depression.  Sick with the thought that life can’t be this bad.  At that tender age though, you have no options.  You’re stuck with the family you got.  Or the family you picked if you believe in the cosmic “everything happens for a reason.”  You pick your parents because you have lessons you need to learn in this lifetime.  I’m not sure I’m fully on board with that line but I can see the sense in it.  If it wasn’t for all the whacked stuff that has happened in my life, where would I be today?  Would I be examining my life as I do?  Would I have the insights that I do that enable me to understand emotions that before were something to avoid?  I mean everything that has transpired has been an opportunity to learn.  What if self-actualization is the goal?  Life is pain and life is beauty in the same breath.  You can’t have one without the other. 

How can you love someone else if you don’t understand what love is in the first place?  Like putting yourself wholly in the other persons mind for the moments that they are talking to you, really listening with no distractions.  Caring at that level because they are so important you don’t want to miss any details.  Their life no less important or less interesting than yours.  I guess in a long term relationship (alien to me) you are part of their life because you’ve been with them so long you are part of them.  Right?  Is that what happens?  I’ve been running away from what love is for so long because I equate that level of intimacy with pain upon discovery.  I afraid that you will find that shaking little boy that really is bad and want nothing to do with me.  It’s almost as simple as that.  I have chased that feeling of love for so long and the full light of it has blinded me to the simplicity and completeness of it.  What is the charge that surges through me when I discover I like someone?  Could it just be a hormone firing and nothing more?  I’m pretty sure you have to have some electricity, some cells exploding to discover someone that wants you to move in their direction initially.  But what cells take over after that?  I’ll tell you, it’s the thinking cells.  The conditioned cells.  The cells that haven’t examined their purpose yet.  The cells that still remember to cower with love at its full fury and might explode over and envelop you.  The cells that have passed on the memory of the initial nurturing that you lacked.  I know I make a big deal over this and I’m sick of it. I’ve so many rich experiences in small doses since that should prove that good things do happen.

I’ve had 3 experiences in the past couple of weeks with women that have socked me in the solar plexus as far as feelings go.  As far as what cells can do, what changes can transpire when the right moment presents itself and I pay attention.  I’m definitely not the only one who has had a rough life by any means.  I’ve never felt that but I just have never felt it consequentially down to the bottom rung.  I’ve put myself in their consciousness absolutely and felt what they were saying.  I turned off my self-absorption dial completely and HEARD them and it made an impact on me.  Now some of you may do this all the time but this is not something I’m used to doing.   I always feel like I’m on a stage and I have to perform and it’s a one way delivery.  Sure I listen but I’m not sure how much of myself is open to every word that is being said.  My mind is busy thinking of other things, what I’m going to say next, what is for lunch tomorrow etc.  My mind IS always busy though and it’s a job to settle it down.  But I did for these women and I had full attention going on.  My angels felt it was important for me to hear and they stopped the gears from spinning and I paid attention.  It added to my examined life and has given me serious pause to thoughts of survival, life, joy, experience, ego and that place where all angels meet. As with everything that happens to me, my life is forever changed.  We are changing every minute if nothing else we don’t get the minutes back when we read something like this and that is change.  I want to have changes that mark my life electric, that fill it with sparks that I can weld a new future with.  I want to live my life examined if it continues to bring surprises, growth and a new Chris.

1.       I’m grateful that I learned to listen if only for a few moments.

2.       I’m grateful that these women opened up to me in their way.

3.       I’m grateful that I chose to live my life that way I do.

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