Do you put your significant other on a pedestal? I’m sure there’s a height that’s acceptable
and then there’s a height where it might be an inch or two high. When I talk about height I’m talking high
enough that you don’t see the red flags waving in unison beneath it. All in the name of love of course. I asked my friend this the other night, who
is married and he said that you have to put your married partner on a pedestal
otherwise how would you be able to put up with all of their stuff? Makes sense doesn’t it? It’s a noble thing to place your partner on a
pedestal, right? Well that’s my fear
today when I am in the role of making a decision to choose a partner. I understand that the partner has to be
online with that decision also. That
kind of choice is also what I miss when the pedestal is being utilized. It’s not always an either/or when a third
person is involved. And if we like each
other that’s not tantamount to agreeing that a relationship is in our future
either. That’s a red flag that I’m completely color blind to too many times. Granted it’s a shade of red drifting more to
the dumbass side of decisions than the “I’m going to die” side. That’s a good topic, the shades of the reds
in these flags flying high.
I’m just not used to being single for a long period of
time. There was a time when I thought it
was natural to have to be in a relationship and I would spend all of my time
trying to fulfill that obligation despite any shade of red. I’ve bled red in these blogs about some of
those relationships. You would think
that I would be blessedly peaceful during the respite between romances. Believe me, I am between romances too. I like being in a relationship but I have so
much charged history with said flags that I’m getting more gun shy by the
day. I try to keep my head up and my
heart open and walk the daily path alone and without remorse biting my ass
occasionally. I sometimes feel a lack on
Friday afternoons when I realize that I don’t have any romantic plans with
anybody and end up going to bed around 8:30 like any old man would do. A touch of pity does haunt me but I push it
out as I am wary of any feeling that touches the depression side of me. Stay away from this guy. I am peaceful though, most of the time. It’s only when I think about it that I get a
bit melancholic. Why? I’ve learned enough about myself that I don’t
need the validation from a woman to feel fulfilled as a human. Most of the time. I’m coming from a place of extreme fatigue so
part of this may not make too much sense.
Probably more eerie then sensical.
I’m resiliently strong that I know. I’ve been through one hell of a life and to
be still kicking it is a testament to my emotional strength. I’m working hard to convince myself that I’m
doing way okay here. So what happens
when I get close, within breathing distance of a relationship? I test the waters with my humor and see how
far I can push it. Trust me, it can go
miles on its own. Trouble is when I get
started my boundaries diminish to zero and I say one or more things too
much. Then a nugget of guilt and/or
shame starts to coalesce where I only want shiny stuff to reside. So I back off of that but I don’t forget
where I went. I can judge myself harshly
because it’s the same set of boundaries circling that area of my emotional
bent. Now I’m thinking too much when I’m
within talking distance again. My mind
isn’t clear because of the fear of going too far. Now I’m not talking paralyzing stuff but
enough to make the picture cloudy. If
she doesn’t run away from that I start thinking, “Hey, she likes it. She may even like me!” I will take a like as a ticket to ride on the
relationship train that is just pulling into the station. It is just pulling in and it doesn’t mean
that I’m meant to ride on it either. But
I push that thought aside. I almost have
to. I don’t know why but I just do.
I’m a sensitive guy so I pepper my conversation with history
or anecdotes that will uncover that and a lot of women like that. I’m not a Shirley girly guy but I have enough
sensitivity and intelligence that makes me fairly attractive. I’m not comparing myself to movie stars or
celebrities but for my level of existence it isn’t a routine relationship that
is sparking itself together. I pick up
on feelings, not all the time but when I’m not in a total self-absorption
vacuum I do get it. I know what makes
you tick to an elevated degree and I play into it nicely. I can get you to open up and with that
vulnerabilities are exposed and emotional banking is starting to add up. You know that you can trust me to be open
minded. This is how I am most of the
time, I do have my moments of “It’s all about me” too so I’m not pushing the
best guy button all of the time. I think
I’m like most men but prettier. Ha ha!
Now if they’re responding to all of this I think my ticket
has been punched many times by the conductor of love and I’m well on my way to
bf/gf land. I just start traveling there
regardless of what the story is with the other person, what they want us to
be. Then I will start to nudge a bit and
test the water to see if it’s going in that direction. My pattern is to do this regardless if they’re
in a relationship or not. I figure if
they’re talking to me in same like way then there is interest in following
through. I’m just being honest of how I
think these things out. Yes you may see
the red flags waving violently but all I’m doing is enjoying the breeze. What I don’t realize is that I’m setting
myself up for damage whether it is intentional or not. But I can’t seem to play that tape all the
way out and feelings get trounced on for both of us. Then I feel like I lost a little part of
myself and also have played the role of a fool once again. Not to the degree on a penetrating depression
fool but a fool none the less. Now it’s
Friday and once again I’m getting ready for bed at 8:30. I will speak more of this later.
1.
I’m grateful that I’m resiliently strong.
2.
I’m grateful for the mistakes I make because
that lets me know that I still have a lot to learn.
3.
I’m grateful that I’m learning not to take myself
to seriously so as not to hurt the protected child within.
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