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Day 191 My Voice is in Heaven


I went to my Dharma recovery group last night.  It’s the 3rd time attending and I have some feelings I’d like to write about.  Initially we meditate for 5 minutes and then we do a personal check in.  After that it starts going downhill.  But first we talk about the chapter of the book we’re reading.  Currently we’re reading, “Radical Acceptance, Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha” by Tara Brach.  It’s a wonderful book and I’m getting so much out of it personally.  When I started the group we were on Chapter 6 (read it 4 times, don’t remember off hand what it’s about) so I started the book there.  I have since read the entire book and stay current on the chapters we’re studying.  I literally read each chapter a minimum of 4 to 5 times before going to group.  Now I’m not sure how my mind works but I still don’t remember the stuff I’ve read when I get in group.  I underline passages, re-read passages but each time group starts I draw a big fat blank.   I’m not sure if I’m too old to remember stuff or what is going on.  I know when I’m rereading that I remember reading it the previous time but straight up I can’t remember jack.

So my thoughts then get fuzzy and I find myself self-judging that I’m not getting it.  The very reason I’m in a Buddha group is to be aware of those thoughts and not attach to them.  Okay, I get it.  I guess it’s good that I’m bringing this up as it shows I have awareness of an issue.  Also that thoughts race around unabated in my head. But I felt I was fading away to an extent sitting in the group.  Their sharing sounded very intimate and laced with emotional anguish.  One of the tenets of the group is confidentiality so I’m not giving up any names or where the group is located so I think I can safely talk about my part in it.  There is no cross talking so it’s hard to reference something when it’s brought up.  Kind of weird in my opinion as shares can kick up references in my head and then I have to think how I can frame it to not sound like cross talk.  But I do get nervous about what I’m going to share.  After everybody checked in I was the last to talk.  I just brought up that I was doing good and how inspiring the book has been for me.  I felt like the odd man out not having any crisis or something similar to approach.  Oh God, I’m I not seeing my world in actual reality.  I’m practicing aversion and don’t even know it?   I did have my moment with my teenage picture that I completely forgot to talk about.  That was a moment of significance.  But I got so caught up in what I thought I should say that I forgot about that.  Why do I get so nervous?  Everyone sounds so solid when they’re sharing and I still have a foolish notion that what I have to say isn’t as important or won’t sound as firm as theirs.

I’ve been attending recovery meetings for 30 years so I’m not just a newbie with jittery nerves.  I’m a veteran.  But even with that I get nervous in AA when I’m about to speak too.  I watch and listen to others talk and their stuff just rolls off their tongue and in seemingly total comfort.  I don’t get the disconnect in my brain.  Why do I suffer from that little anxiety?  It’s not like I’m taking some kind of oral exam, I’m just talking to a bunch of drunks.  Now in my little dharma group, we’re in someone’s house and the gathering much smaller so maybe there’s a little intimidation in that setting.  In an AA room however, it’s usually a hall, a big room, lots of drunks and I still feel blind and stupid.  It that wee anxiety that gets to me, it’s bigger in my head when I think about it.  I don’t feel comfortable being myself.  I attempt to be authentic but I don’t articulate it well when I’m on the spot.  Now there have been a few times when stuff just rolled off but I notice that I don’t look anyone in the eyes when that happens.  Well I’m in the right place for all of this stuff to happen.  I’m sure Buddha won’t turn his back on me and we’ll get it straightened out in the near future.  Do you think it’s because I’m afraid they won’t like me?
1.  I'm grateful that I'm not freaking out about getting fatter.
2.  I'm grateful for the wonderful relationship I have with my sister.
3.  I'm grateful that it's less than a month from my vacation.

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