I feel I may have overshared in yesterday’s post. But I have to stay authentic and it is just
mental streaming coming from my brain.
The truth is is that song was played after all the drama that went on
between us. I gave her the CD more than a year
after everything finally tapered off.
But everytime I played that song I would feel a tug to want to go back
into the pit of hell with her. There was
no lesson learned that I applied in any sensical way. I wanted to be with her despite all the
insanity that piled up behind that thinking.
The song that really went on during the whole crazy affair was by Maroon
V. There was a mix of songs on their CD,
“Songs About Jane” that qualified but the one that would set my hair on fire
was “Tangled”.
“I’m full of regret
For all the things I’ve done and said
And I don’t know if it’ll ever be ok to show
My face ‘round here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear,
For all the things I’ve done and said
And I don’t know if it’ll ever be ok to show
My face ‘round here
Sometimes I wonder if I disappear,
Would you ever turn your head and look
See if I’m gone
Cause I fear,
See if I’m gone
Cause I fear,
There is nothing left to say to you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I’ve done was way to shameful.
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I’ve done was way to shameful.
You’re just innocent
A helpless victim of a spider’s web
And I’m an insect
Going after anything that I can get.
A helpless victim of a spider’s web
And I’m an insect
Going after anything that I can get.
So you better turn and run
And don’t look back
Cause I fear,
And don’t look back
Cause I fear,
There is nothing left to say
To you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I’ve done are way to shameful.
To you
That you wanna hear
That you wanna know
I think I should go
The things I’ve done are way to shameful.
And I’ve done you so wrong
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh shame on myself
I don’t know how I got so tangled up.”
Treated you bad
Strung you along
Oh shame on myself
I don’t know how I got so tangled up.”
It could have been a song for both Nan and Nicole. Shit I just listened to the entire CD and
every song has lyrics that applied to the craziness that happened. And it was craziness. There was not a day without drama between us
if we met in the hallway. The law was
laid down that we were not supposed to make contact if and if we did, people
came running. But the time came when I
could look at her and not want contact, barely, and even talk to her
normally. She would still lie to me about
something so I knew fundamentally that she would never change but could I?
If you’ve never been 5150’d, never been strapped to a gurney
because of frenzied insanity you can never know the pull, the strong draw of
the sinking pit of despair that beckons you for another taste. The wealth of emotions rigorously drawing you
into a cipher of rawness, of pain beyond any daily program has its own
addiction. It is sad to say this but it’s
true. With Nicole her voice, her looks, her touch would find
that place inside of me and open those wounds to freely fester with
abandon. It didn’t have anything to do
with common sense, it couldn’t. I almost
lost everything so one more trip to the rat hall didn’t matter much to me. Hell, it became a sanctuary after a while. The only place I felt safe. The combination of seeing her, thinking of
her, hearing any song from that CD would start the process. A strange Pavlovian darkness would draw over
me and I would sit down and have to concentrate hard on where I was at, who I
really was and what did I really want.
Years later when I was with my girlfriend of 2 years, we
went to Tower Café for a Sunday brunch.
Nicole is standing in line with her kids and some old lady. I should have immediately turned around and
walked out but I couldn’t. I was
mesmerized by seeing her so randomly. Of
course when she saw me she was so excited she gave me a hug and a kiss on the
cheek right in front of Julie. She introduced
herself as I was slightly at a loss for words.
The café was crowded and when everyone was finally seated she was
directly in my view. For the entire
lunch. I had trouble concentrating
on what Julie was talking about as the memories of the madness pranced around
rudely in my head. This is now years
after initial contact and I still had active damage rummaging in my brain. All over a girl! Just another woman no different than the many
other women I’ve been with or wanted to be with.
When I gave the Paulo Nutini CD to Nicole that day (I just
left it on her desk with a note), I wrote that the song “Loving You” could have
been our song. Yeah I was brave touting
that kind of stuff. But she was hooked
on “Last Request” for some strange reason.
You be the judge:
“Back off loneliness, and hello tenderness
I’ve been waiting for your call so long.
It must have been hard just to follow your soul
To stick to the road that your heart wants you to go,
And as you slide through the door
With your morals on your sleeve,
I think it’s time for all those morals to leave
So let’s get down and freaky baby.
Let’s get restless baby, come on get crazy with me.
I’ve been waiting for your call so long.
It must have been hard just to follow your soul
To stick to the road that your heart wants you to go,
And as you slide through the door
With your morals on your sleeve,
I think it’s time for all those morals to leave
So let’s get down and freaky baby.
Let’s get restless baby, come on get crazy with me.
And I said
When you’re loving me, I’m loving you
And I love all the prowess in the things that you do,
And it’s your flawless soul that bleeds my stone,
And when your loving me, I’m loving you
And that’s when we’ve got it goin’ on.
When you’re loving me, I’m loving you
And I love all the prowess in the things that you do,
And it’s your flawless soul that bleeds my stone,
And when your loving me, I’m loving you
And that’s when we’ve got it goin’ on.
So many people think we’ve got it wrong,
They’ll try to break us but we won’t play along,
So let’s get down and dirty baby
Let’s get restless baby
Come on get crazy with me.
They’ll try to break us but we won’t play along,
So let’s get down and dirty baby
Let’s get restless baby
Come on get crazy with me.
And I said
When you’re loving me, I’m loving you
I love your prowess in the things that you do.
And it’s your flawless soul that bleeds my stone,
And when you loving me, I’m loving you.
And that’s when we’ve got it goin’ on, oh goin’ on.
When you’re loving me, I’m loving you
I love your prowess in the things that you do.
And it’s your flawless soul that bleeds my stone,
And when you loving me, I’m loving you.
And that’s when we’ve got it goin’ on, oh goin’ on.
I was so stranded
I was lost and abandoned
I needed another home
And you fly in my arms
You just fly right into my arms.
I was lost and abandoned
I needed another home
And you fly in my arms
You just fly right into my arms.
And when you’re loving me, I’m loving you.
I love your prowess in the things that you do.
And it’s your flawless soul that bleeds into my stone.
And when you’re loving me, I’m loving you,
And that’s when we’ve got it goin’ on.”
I love your prowess in the things that you do.
And it’s your flawless soul that bleeds into my stone.
And when you’re loving me, I’m loving you,
And that’s when we’ve got it goin’ on.”
Continue until you’re insane.
This is one of my better entries.
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