Good morning. It’s been a minute since I’ve been on here and I’d like to report that everything is grand but it truly is not. I find myself circling the drain again. What I prayed for so hard to never happen again is slowly wrapping it’s tendrils around my precious soul. Depression. Flatness. Dull awareness. It’s clear that I’m lonely but I’m not doing much in terms of harvesting companionship. In any relationship. Forget being with a woman. They’re not knocking on my door while I have the TV constantly turned on. This is not what I planned in my last days rolling into 60. I thought it would be more of a parade, more of living what I’ve learned in this weary life. So what have I learned? What secret do I have to share with myself to guarantee that I escape these doldrums?
I’m not a victim. Of anything. Granted I didn’t get the best start in life with the frantic, chaotic childhood I endured. But I’m an adult now and have painfully and slowly learned coping skills to compensate for that lack. Lingering doubt is my enemy as is rumination.
Don’t take stuff personal. There are a lot of maladjusted people out there and their actions are not a reflection of you. You are learning skillful tools to adapt to life and are doing that well. Not everyone will be on the same page and that’s ok. Let them be and know that that is all it is. It is not a dump truck that you need to take on.
Minimize judgment. Nothing nurtures resentment like judgment. It’s part of the “control” empire that we think we’re golden ruler over. If only they would treat me like they’re supposed to I wouldn’t be feeling this way. Damn them for treating me the way that they do. And damn them if they don’t automatically know how to lift me when I’m obviously down. Where is their mind control? Don’t they know who I am? I’m the broken one that needs constant attention. Loving, nurturing attention. And don’t ask me if that is what I want because I will minimize and deny it. You just have to provide it despite my meddling, posing, modeling, whining, acting OK, period.
Discover positive solutions instead of dead end proposals. Don’t be defeated about how things play out before the play is even in motion. Be daring and see how it can expand positively rather than poorly. You can go outside for a walk, you can complete an entire conversation without wanting to run away. You can prepare a healthy dinner for yourself. You can turn off the TV and survive. You can deny the vacuum of depression by stepping into the storm unafraid of any demons that you may meet. Avoid the apathy before it overwhelms you unabatedly. You just need one positive thought to start the battle.
I have the tools, I have the experience, I have the experience of riding this storm both ways. In the solution or in the battle of good and evil. I have bottomed out in the past and it was not a good experience. The turmoil was a monster with no rival. I can’t afford to deal with that lack of life again. I have no business riding the bottom of the canyon, prey to holes, crevices, spires, wolves whatever can fuck you up, I have no desire to revisit that pain again. A part of me already feels resigned to the blast and that too is part of this grinding affair. It’s like I’m breathing into a paper bag, sucking in desperation and nowhere to breathe out supplication. It’s a sad dance really, with no music and no end of dips and drops and spinning mindlessly.
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